The start of a sexual relationship is a time of exploration, when we both work out each other’s sex style and home in on what we both like from sex. Where there is an initial sex-mismatch… Advice is given.
‘I’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks now and I’m really into him. We just started having sex – I held off for the first three or four dates because I really like him – and the thing is, he’s crap in bed. He goes down on me for hours, when I find all that foreplay stuff really rather boring if not just a bit gross, then when he finally gets round to actually having sex it’s all fumbling and mushy – whatever the opposite of hot and wild is. At first, when we first had sex, I was all ‘Ooh aah yeah’, and it was about halfway through I realised I wasn’t actually having a very good time. He’s fit – hot bod, big cock, cute face – and really nice. How do I rev him up a bit? You know, get him going at me?’
Our reply:
You know, there is the remote possibility that ‘hot and wild’ isn’t really his thing and it’s a lovey-cuddly character you’ve got there, but before you get downhearted let’s consider some of the many, many avenues you can have a lot of fun exploring. Most men, after all, aren’t entirely averse to a full-on, super-charged romp on the wild side.
It sounds as if he’s trying very hard to get it right and that he’s really concerned with giving you a really good time. Yes, he probably does really enjoy the foreplay, but you can bet there’s a hefty dose of the desire to please you going on here too. If he is a bit fumbling when you progress to penetration, it might be that he’s wondering if that was enough foreplay and if you’re enjoying your time with him – did he get it right? Of course, what you don’t do is shatter his illusions by telling him otherwise; you look for the good and build on that.
Take charge of the situation when you start to have sex. Strip him off and build a real sense of urgency, as if you can’t wait to have him inside you. Tell him how fit he is – it could be that for all you think he’s hot, he doesn’t have that confidence and that’s what’s holding him back when you have sex. Say to him, ‘Fuck me now,’ or use whatever words are appropriate to you and your relationship. Kiss him hard and keep kissing him as you pull him inside. There’s nothing like a fully passionate kiss to get the temperature rising!
Help him to feel free and abandoned by showing him you are. Your lack of self-consciousness when you have sex can help him along, make it safe for him to let go and go at you. Try switching to woman-on-top sex positions and use those positions to set the tone for your sex life. If he hasn’t had much experience of sex, it could be news to him that you’re no fragile, blushing virgin and he isn’t going to damage you or hurt your feelings by going too hard. Help him know that you’re very much an equal in this and can give and take just as powerfully as he (we hope) can.
Use sex toys to make your lovemaking more intense. Try using blindfolds when you have sex, for a kinky touch and to enhance the physical feelings by blocking out the sense of sight. You could let him find your vibrator or get him to use your vibrator on you, so he can see how you respond when you’re really aroused – then once you’ve had your first orgasm, get him inside you for more. Light bondage restraints, such as rope or cuffs, can also be a fun and fairly non-threatening way of exploring limits. If you have fantasies along these lines, share them with your partner and get his sexual imagination working.
Give him time to gain in confidence and get used to the territory. Few people have their best sex ever at the start of a relationship. It takes time to learn about the other person, how their bodies work and what they like. This might be especially true if we do really, really like the other person and want everything to be right – if we don’t want to make any mistakes, we’re less likely to experiment.
That said, you can’t expect your new partner to become a different person when you have sex. He is who he is, between the sheets as elsewhere. If he likes his ‘mushy’ cuddles and gentle physical intimacy, you can be sure to give him plenty of that between the wild times. Heck, you never know, he might be in love!