Men and women often accept that a woman’s first sexual experience may be painful. If it is, it is nearly always because of this expectation. If you anticipate being hurt it is natural to tighten your vagina against the pain, and this reaction itself often makes intercourse difficult, if not painful. In some cases, intercourse becomes impossible.
Usually, a woman’s fears about her sexual initiation are founded on folklore rather than on fact. The most common anxieties are discussed below.
Fears about the hymen
The hymen is a thin membrane which stretches across part of the vaginal entrance. A few women believe that it forms a total barrier to intercourse. But the extent to which it blocks the opening varies greatly, and there is, except in some rare cases, an opening through which the menstrual flow can pass. In an adolescent girl this is usually large enough to admit a finger. ‘Petting’ and the use of internal tampons tend to widen the opening even more, with the result that by the time she first has sex the hymen has usually virtually disappeared.
Although, in romantic fiction, rupture of the hymen at first intercourse is a dramatic, painful, and bloody affair, the membrane is in fact sometimes elastic enough to stretch without tearing at all. Even if it does tear, it is so thin that rupture is not particularly painful and, because the hymen has a relatively meagre amount of blood, there is seldom much bleeding. Very occasionally the hymen may be especially tough or extensive, so that penetration is difficult. This can be a problem for the woman who begins intercourse relatively late in life, because the hymen, like all tissues, tends to become less elastic.
A related myth is that the absence of the hymen proves the loss of virginity. But the hymen varies in structure so much from woman to woman, and, as we have seen, is so easily torn or stretched in various ways, that it can be difficult for even a doctor to establish, by examining it, whether or not a woman has had intercourse. It is certainly impossible for a man who has sex with her to know in this way whether or not she is a virgin.
Worries about vaginal size
If you are a virgin, you may worry about whether your vagina is too small for your partner’s penis.
Perhaps you have inserted a tampon and believe that, because it fits neatly, your vagina must have a similar diameter. In fact, the vagina is very distensible and shapes itself to whatever it contains.
In their normal state the vaginal walls are collapsed, with no space between them. But the muscles of the vagina are elastic and the skin which lines it folded and ridged so that it can stretch as much as necessary, whether in intercourse or in childbirth.
Fear of painful intercourse
The inner two-thirds of the vagina are so free of pain-sensitive nerve endings that it is possible to carry out a minor operation in that area without an anaesthetic. There is a sensitivity to pressure but the sensations which arise when the penis presses on the vaginal walls are felt as pleasurable.
If you find your first or early experiences of intercourse do hurt you, it is probably because your nervousness, or your partner’s inexperience, prevents you from becoming highly aroused, so that there is insufficient vaginal lubrication. There are, however, a few medical conditions which can make sex painful.
If you are anticipating making love for the first time and are suffering from ‘first night nerves’, the following suggestions should help you relax.
If you have never used a tampon, try to stretch your vaginal opening a little by inserting a finger, and then, when you can do this easily, two.
The first time you have intercourse, and thereafter whenever necessary, your partner should apply an artificial lubricant to his penis to supplement your vaginal lubrication. This will make penetration easier and lessen the possibility of soreness if your vagina tends not to become very wet.
You will find that entry is easiest in sex positions in which your knees are bent and your thighs are spread.
As your partner enters you, bear down slightly, as though trying to push something out of your vagina. This makes it impossible to tighten up the vaginal muscles at the same time and so easier for him. If your partner is sexually inexperienced too, it will probably be best for you both if you guide his penis into you with one hand while holding your inner vaginal lips apart with the other.
Vaginismus
Very rarely, the fear of penetration, or of even being touched in the genital area, is so intense that it causes an automatic and instantaneous tightening of the muscles surrounding the vaginal entrance. This condition, which is beyond the woman’s control and makes intercourse difficult or impossible, is known as vaginismus.
Sometimes this fear is life-long and can be the result of a sexually repressive upbringing that produces an irrational anxiety or guilt about sex. A woman with such feelings has probably never been able to bring herself to use tampons, or allowed a doctor to give her an internal examination. More often, though, vaginismus is a condition that starts after a painful or traumatic sexual experience. It is natural for anyone who has been hurt to tense up in anticipation of pain. Unfortunately, the vaginal muscles can easily become conditioned to respond in this way whenever penetration is attempted, and whether or not there is still any reason for it.
If you suffer from vaginismus, your first step is to consult your doctor to make sure that there is no physical reason why sex is difficult or painful. If this is confirmed, you should start the program below.
Program for overcoming vaginismus
Before starting the program, read through the earlier part of this feature if you have not done so already. You will find that your ideas about your genitals are the product of a fearful imagination and have no foundation in fact.
You may feel a little tense when you start to do these exercises. It may help to take a bath or shower first, or simply to lie down and relax for a while. You can do the steps of the exercise at any pace that feels comfortable. Some you may need to repeat several times before you go on to the next, and sometimes you may have to push yourself a little to take the next step.
You can practise steps 1-7 whether or not you have a partner. These are the most important, because by the time you have completed them you will have discovered that penetration need not be painful and much of your anxiety will have gone.
1 With the aid of a hand-mirror, look closely at your genitals. Part the inner vaginal lips with your fingers so that you can see the entrance clearly.
2 Now touch the entrance for a little while with the tip of your finger.
3 Next, lubricate your finger and insert just the very tip. When you do this, bear down a little, as though you are trying to push something out of your vagina. Leave your finger there for a couple of minutes to get used to the feel of it.
4 Insert the finger gently, as far as the first joint. Again, bear down slightly as you insert it. This may be difficult, but once you have accomplished this step, everything else will follow.
5 If you feel your vaginal muscles tightening, stop, deliberately tighten them around your finger, and then relax them again. By repeating this several times you will begin to feel you have some control over them. Your feelings of anxiety will disappear as you become used to the sensation of having something in your vagina.
6 Repeat steps 4 and 5 several times, each time inserting the finger a little farther, until you can push the whole of it in. Take a few deep breaths each time you begin to feel tense.
7 Now try to insert two fingers, using plenty of lubrication. Do this gradually, as you did with one finger, inserting at first just the tips. Each time you do the exercise, try to push them in a little farther than the previous time.
By now, even if you have no partner and so cannot do the second half of the exercise, you will have overcome your fear of penetration to an extent which should make it possible for you to have sex when the occasion arises. Nevertheless, it is important that you tell your new partner about the fear you have managed to overcome. He will probably readily accept that you must take intercourse very gradually, following the steps outlined below, which comprise the remainder of the exercise.
8 Your partner should insert just the tip of a well-lubricated finger in your vagina.
9 Guiding his hand, ask him to insert more of his finger. Stop, just as you did with your own finger, if you feel the muscles tightening around it and tighten and relax them deliberately a few times. Go on doing this until you can quite comfortably help him insert all of his finger. Let him keep it there for a while without moving it.
10 Your partner should now move his finger gently in and out. Relax as much as you can while he does this. Bear down and then tighten and relax your vaginal muscles around his finger as he moves.
11 Repeat steps 9 and 1O, but this time your partner should use two well-lubricated fingers.
12 You are now ready to take the final step in the program – intercourse. You can choose any position you like, but if you are on top you will have most control. In this way you can lower yourself onto your partner’s erect penis as slowly as you like, and control the depth of penetration. Your partner should lubricate his penis thoroughly beforehand.
13 At first, ask your partner not to move, and become accustomed to the feel of his penis inside you. Then begin to move if you want to, and again practise tightening and relaxing your vaginal muscles.
14 Next time you do the exercise your partner should begin to thrust (although you must ask him to do so gently at first) and eventually the thrusting can continue to orgasm.
Assessing your progress
You may have experienced intense relief when you first realized you were able to tolerate penetration, even if only by one finger, without pain or discomfort. After this breakthrough, you were probably able to complete the program quite rapidly. If you made no progress, the most likely reason is that you have a deep-seated fear of sex or intercourse that needs to be confronted before treatment can be successful. If this is the case, psychotherapy will probably help you.