Erotica and sexually explicit material not only have the potential to improve your sex life; they can help you find out what really makes your partner tick.
The once popular image of the pornography consumer was a dirty old man who spent hours in men-only cinemas or poring over obscene material. Times have changed, and nowadays pornography is much more widely accepted as a part of everyday life. Long-banned books now appear in paperback, sexually explicit videos are freely available online, and there are sex shops in every major city. Many pop-representations of men and women would, in former times, have been considered pornographic and obscene.
Pornography or erotica?
The proliferation of sexually explicit material has resulted in increasing difficulty when it comes to differentiating between what is pornographic and what is erotic, between exploitation and education, between healthy sexual interest and mental disturbance. The very nature of the subject attracts controversy and everyone has their own ideas. The more we discuss the subject, the better.
The word pornography literally means ‘the writing of prostitutes’ and the word erotica is derived from the name of the Greek god of love – Eros. Under the title of erotica – because it usually suggests that the material in question has some ‘redeeming cultural value’ – the pornography of ancient Greece and medieval China, even of the Victorian era, may go on display at your local museum or art gallery. Pornography is subject to censure. Works of art – paintings, literature, sculpture, plays and films – may well show people and situations which have the potential to sexually arouse, but are deemed acceptable because of their artistic status.
Similarly, books, magazines and sites whose main function is to educate you about your body and its sexual potential are very popular and, to most people, acceptable.
Hard-core and soft-core
When it comes to pornography there are two broad categories – soft-core and hard-core. Soft-core shows naked bodies. It will often suggest sexual acts, but stops short of depicting them explicitly.
Hard-core leaves little to the imagination and often worries people because it is a broad term that covers material which depicts the more extreme areas of sexual practice such as flagellation, sado-masochism, bondage and rape.
Words and pictures
It has been said that men fall in love with their eyes while women fall in love with all their senses and, according to some researchers in the field, this difference between the sexes extends into their attitudes to pornography too.
It has been said that men are turned on by sexually explicit pictures, while women on the whole seem to prefer the written word. It may be a reflection that, although over the past few years countless sex magazines have been launched with the intention of visually stimulating women, few have survived. While women are, of course, visually stimulated, it seems that there are differences between the types of visual material that turn women on and those which do the same for men.
Using erotica
If the idea of bringing pornographic literature into your love life appeals to you, it is important to know where to start and what ground rules you will need. One of the great fears many of us have is of rejection and disapproval, and we all feel extremely vulnerable when it comes to our sexual prowess and tastes. Our natural impulse is to protect ourselves and consequently there is a common tendency not to discuss sexual tastes at all. It is important, however, to talk about it at some stage with your partner. You might like to set aside a particular time – an evening, morning or afternoon – when you know you will be left alone. Each time you do this, try taking it in turns to produce a different story or picture. By looking at sexy photographs, drawings and erotic literature, you can work your way up the ladder of explicitness. En route, you should gradually discover what it is that excites both of you.
Erotic pictures aimed at women often show men in relaxed positions. Images of sex aimed at men tend to show women in much more provocative and inviting positions that suggest their apparent availability and sexual experience.
It can be a mistake to start out using very explicit material straight away. For example, if a woman is very shy and finds sex and nudity embarrassing, she may well be more intimidated if her partner ogles girlie magazines – particularly if she thinks the bodies of the women in the photographs are superior to hers.
Men may also react badly to their partners taking an interest in pictures of other naked men, especially if he feels that his penis is small by comparison. Most men have this insecurity at one time or another, and talking about it helps them understand that the fear is based more in the imagination than in reality. Point out that male nude models would be unlikely to pose nude unless they were well-endowed.
Using erotic books
Erotic books and sexually explicit websites and magazines are often used to stimulate fantasies during masturbation but they can also play an important role in a loving relationship. Read separately, they can be used to supplement the imagination and stimulate sexual fantasies during intercourse.
Reading sexual passages from books aloud to each other can be a powerful turn on as well. When shared like this, pornography and erotica can be used to broaden your mutual sexual horizons and help each of you discover what you really want. Some couples find it difficult to say outright what they want their partner to do, so material describing alternative sexual positions and practices can be used as a cue.
Loving on video
With the internet, couples are able to enhance their love lives with sexy videos in the privacy of their own homes.
Educational films about sex and relationships, such as the Lovers’ Guide range of videos, are a very good introduction to sexually explicit material, and are particularly useful for people who are inexperienced. They serve a dual purpose, both providing accurate information about sex and sexuality and stimulating the viewer, and they are free from the sleazy connotations that pornography has. Many couples, once they have watched a video through complete with informative voice-over, choose to watch the video with the sound down, perhaps with some favourite music playing as an accompaniment. Educational films like this are often preferable to pornography, not least because, unlike much hardcore pornography, they have much higher production values. A common complaint from women about pornography is that the sets are cheap and tacky and the sound quality and music are laughable.
The advantages of watching sexy videos at home are obvious. Couples can even watch in bed. Conditions at home are not always perfect for viewing explicit material, however, and some attention needs to be paid to the surroundings before the ‘play’ button is pressed.
Getting rid of distractions is the first step. The erotic potential of a Saturday afternoon with a rude film will be ruined if you can’t get rid of the kids. World War Three erupting in the living room while you’re trying to get it on in the bedroom will definitely spoil the mood, no matter how good the movie is.
Remember to be tolerant and patient. What turns you on may simply offend your partner and vice versa. Open discussion is essential.
Exploring sexually explicit material is not something to rush into, and you will have to judge for yourself whether you and your partner would benefit from incorporating pornography and erotica into your sex life.