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Love And Relationship IssuesSex Problems

My Partner Doesn’t Like My Sex Toys

Sexual fantasy - bondage sex toys

There are men out there who have issues with their partner’s sex toys. The sense of competition is a factor. So too is the nagging thought that, as ‘real men’, they should be delivering all the sexual pleasure their partner needs. Advice is given.

I used to enjoy using sex toys in the past both alone and with my lovers. Now my new live-in boyfriend (so I don’t want to just hide them) sees them as competition. First off, I’d like to know how I can convince him that he has no worries on that score. Then there are practical issues, too.  I did actually manage to get him to wear one of those vibrating cock-rings once or twice – but it only seemed to make him come too soon, and he never seemed to get it in the right place to do it for me. Maybe I should just give up…

Our reply:

You seem to have a case of semi-unreclaimed Old-Fashioned Man on your hands here, but presumably he’s cute enough since you’ve let him live-in with you. The whole competition thing when it comes to men and sex toys is an issue for many of us, but usually their worries can be allayed without too much grief.

First off, let’s consider exactly what sorts of sex toys you’re using and would like to share. You mention the vibrating cock ring, and it’s probably not so very surprising that this hasn’t been very successful if he isn’t really into the idea of toys. It can be tricky to get the vibe in the right place, and using them effectively does mean using sex positions which keep your bodies closely aligned. Anyway, this toy is clearly doing nothing for either of you at the moment, so let’s leave that aside and move on.

In terms of vibrators and dildos, there are obvious design issues you’ll need to consider when you’re bringing your man round to your way of thinking. With the best will in the world, men can be put off by realistic penis vibrators and dildos, especially when they’re on the large side – comparisons, though odious, are inevitable. Whether it’s better clitoral stimulation you’re after or if you’re after G spot stimulation as well, toys that look little or nothing like his favourite body bit are going to be the least likely to put him off. Rabbit vibrators – never mind the glans-shaped head – or bullet or finger vibes are a better bet.

Think about how you want to use your sex toys when you’re with him. Perhaps it’s extra clitoral stimulation you want during sex – and that’s maybe where he’s worrying that he isn’t satisfying you enough. Switch between the sex positions, such as the coital alignment technique, which do give you great clitoral stimulation without the toys, and sex positions in which it’s obvious to everyone that the man isn’t going to be able to deliver much clitoral stimulation all by himself – and it’s with those, such as doggy-style sex, that you use the toys. This way, you can help him think of the toys as a complement, rather than a substitute for something that’s missing. Tell your partner that he is great and you love what he does for you, but that doesn’t stop you wanting other pleasures as well – the more pleasure you get from sex, the better, so far as you’re concerned.

If he likes to be active and in charge during your lovemaking, play up to that by giving him the vibrator to use on you. Let him use the sex toys to pleasure you. You’ll keep him involved and get him used to the idea of having the toys around. Show him how the orgasms you get with your toys actually boost your pleasure when you’re having sex with him – by really expressing your desire and sexual fulfilment while he’s making love with you. Boost his confidence about his sexual ‘performance’ and you’ll help stop him worrying about the toys.

Finally, if he’s worried that you’re using your toys to masturbate when he isn’t around, we really think you can just explain – in the nicest possible way – that this shouldn’t be an issue for him. Say, yes, you like to masturbate. Tell him you think of him while you’re using your toys on your own. Let him picture the scene and use this as a kind of foreplay to get him really aroused. Put on a masturbation show for him – and maybe tell him he isn’t allowed to touch until you say so.

And once you’ve got him used to your toys, you might try having a browse through the male sex toys sections of the Lovers’ Guide shops. Good luck to both of you!

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