We play different roles, we have different selves, and during the course of the average day the erotic can tend to be driven far from our minds, even forcibly repressed as we seek to function effectively in a work environment. It is for this reason it is important, prior to sex, to spend some time coaxing our erotic self back to the forefront of our being.
This is about both setting the scene and mental preparations, drawing a veil over the day – and consciously, even calculatedly doing so. The artifice may grate or feel unspontaneous but, to whatever extent, is often necessary. Lovingly set about creating the scene and the artificiality fades and becomes art.
It can be better to show your partner how you are setting the scene, even talking him through it: dimming the lights, lighting candles, playing music, switching the phone off – creating a space which is removed from the everyday world and permits the erotic self freedom to thrive and roam. Conversely, a new partner may be somewhat perturbed by a Dudley Moore moment in which, at the flick of a switch, the disco lights slam on, the bed in the wall slams down, and the glitter ball does its thing to the sound of the Bee Gees.
Still, preparations on your part are useful. Have the candles ready, the CD in the player, the condoms and lube at the bedside.
If he is a new partner, avoid being too idiosyncratic in your tastes. Aim for effects which are more general, more universal, with which he’ll feel comfortable and at home. If he’s in your place, he’ll need to feel welcomed, not overwhelmed. He might well be feeling nervous and need setting at ease.
Beyond scenic details, take time to coax each other to feel erotically. Gentle touching, kissing, even slow dancing are often better than a sudden rush – which can also mean the sex will be all too brief and unsatisfactory for both parties. Even just taking time to look at each other and take each other’s body in helps establish a sexy mood. Try undressing carefully with each other.
Great sex entails a lot of spontaneity and freedom – and it’s artistic planning that can help it seem all the more wildly of the moment.