‘My boyfriend and I have been going out together for a few years and moved in together eight months or so ago. Our sex life has been great – and lots more of it since moving in – and we’ve tried lots of positions. The problem is that he has his biggest orgasms and is noticeably at his most vigorous when he pulls me into the ‘doggie’ position. Nowadays he almost always wants to finish that way. At first it was fine for me – good ‘G-spot’ stimulation and all that – but the more frequent it has become, well, the more I feel just like a sex object, used and degraded (like the woman in “American Psycho” – a scene I can’t put out of my mind). I’ve tried everything to think positively about this and even tried to get my partner to understand but he seems to get more hooked on it as I am feeling more abused. I am even thinking of leaving but everything else is really good, so please help.’
The Lovers’ Guide replies:
If everything else is going really well in your relationship, it would seem a shame to end it because of one unresolved issue, albeit a really important one. The bottom line, of course, is that you shouldn’t be doing anything sexually that you dislike doing. Your partner needs to accept this. Of course, we may all have different ideas about what we most enjoy and in sex, as in other aspects of our relationships, there’s going to be a bit of give and take. There’s compromise, but we all have our limits.
It does seem strange that your partner has seemed to get more turned on since you tried to make him understand your feelings. Are you sure you’ve got your message across clearly and in a way he has to take seriously? If not, have the discussion again. Choose a time when you’re not just about to have sex – and perhaps when you’re about to have a few hours apart going about your days so he can have time to think about it. Explain your views very clearly in a way he cannot but understand. Say that, while you love him and value the relationship, you’re not happy with the way you’re having sex and that it needs to change. Say that, for a while at least, you’re not going to have sex like that again, full stop. If the relationship is healthy, you can carry the discussion from there.
It sounds as if your partner might have let what turns him on skew from sexual pleasure to power pleasure. Woo him back to real, loving intimacy. Explain what you value most about him, the relationship and your sex life. Give him loads of positive things to pick up on. If he has a future with you, he should want to make things right for you. If it’s so very important to him to do something you really dislike – for the moment, and not forgetting the great G spot stimulation in the doggy position – then it’s time for a relationship re-think.