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Sex Problems

Problem: ‘I’m Worried About A Lesbian Sex Fantasy’

Lesbian sex fantasy problem

Don’t take your same sex fantasies literally: they don’t mean you’re a voyeur, a ‘pervert’, or that you’re really gay. Do explore the masculine and feminine parts of yourself, which underlie such fantasies, and your relationship and love life can grow.

Peter (36): ‘My wife and I have been happily married for seven years. My problem is that I have been having a fantasy in which she is making love to another woman and I am watching. This gives me a thrill at the time but worries me later.’

Jean (38): ‘When Peter told me about this, I was a bit worried at first in case he was going strange on me. Then I thought it was him wanting sex with the woman – a girlfriend of mine – in his fantasy. What is really going on?’

The Lovers’ Guide responds:

Whenever we try to analyse what a fantasy or dream means, we have to be very careful not to be too literal about the imagery. Many women, for example, discuss their so-called ‘lesbian’ dreams or fantasies and say that they are worried in case this means that they might really be gay, deep down. Of course, this is not usually the case – though, to be fair, it has to be said that everyone has at least some same-sex potential in them, even if they never act on it practically in real life.

Your fantasy, Peter, is not all that uncommon in men. The attraction (for a man) of sex between two women is complex and interesting. First of all, but not necessarily most important, is the observation that many men who, however unconsciously, feel insecure about their own sexual or social abilities with women find it easier to ‘deal with’ sex between women. This lets the man’s masculinity off the hook, so to speak, as he voyeuristically obtains pleasure from two women making things happen between them. If you are aware that you have always been somewhat inhibited sexually, and not just with Jean, you might like to seek some professional insights to help overcome the problem.

Female bodies are thought by many people of both sexes to be more aesthetically pleasing than those of males, and both men and women often say that the mental image of two women having sex is somewhat ‘artistic’ at this ‘living sculpture’ level. Also, because there is usually a less obvious power drama being acted out, many people say that two women having sex is more beautiful or acceptable.

For the woman whose experiences of sex with men have been intrusive, threatening, painful or abusive, same-sex fantasies can seem loving, safe and gentle. Both men and women have said that they see something more spiritual about such same-sex activities between women than they do about those between men.

When trying to make sense of such fantasies, one should look at them in a tangential way. First, let’s remind ourselves that we all have masculine and feminine areas within us, whatever our gender. Some men are very ‘feminine’ – and by this we do not mean effeminate – and some women are very ‘masculine’ in their personality style. As we go through life, the balance of the masculine and feminine in us can alter a lot. A good example of this is the apparently macho, ‘emotionless’ man who, upon becoming a father, surprises everybody by being a brilliant dad, nurturing, loving and protective to both his child and wife.

When we look at same-sex fantasies, it is usually helpful for those involved to explore the opposite-sex part of themselves, which might need acknowledgement or healing.

Many of us unconsciously deny our opposite-sex needs and wishes and this can, at its worst, lead to dysfunctional behaviour, or ‘perversions’, of various kinds. For most men, though, a fantasy such as yours, Peter, is usually simply the feminine part of the male self ‘making love’ to itself within our psyche. Of course, it is possible, at a common-sense level, that you might fancy both Jean and her friend and even want to have sex with them both, but your fantasy is not about being sexually involved. You are the onlooker. Had you really wanted to have a fantasy just about Jean’s friend, you could have done so. But you did not.

How about sitting down and talking this through with Jean? You could find that, by opening up about your unacknowledged feminine side, you could both gain a lot. Many couples find that their relationship grows dramatically as the man comes to terms with his feminine inner self and starts to live it rather than fear it.

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