‘Recently I’ve found that I haven’t been in the mood for sex even though I’ve always had a high libido. Every time my partner makes a move on me I find myself pushing him away. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’ve got a really demanding job and I can’t just make myself want it as soon as I get home. He just seems to resent it. I also feel like sex is all about him – he’s not doing it because he fancies me but because I’m there. Is my relationship doomed?’
The Lovers’ Guide replies:
Sex and emotion are tied together intrinsically so if your libido starts to flag, rather than simply dealing with the obvious symptom and pushing yourself into having sex when you don’t feel like it, deal with the underlying problems. If you’re stressed, take time for yourself by doing yoga or having a relaxing bath; if you’re unhappy, share your fears with your partner or talk to a counsellor; and if you have low self-esteem, write a list of everything you do like about yourself and read it back every day to help jolt your subconscious into realising you are worth loving.
It is important that you explain your needs – including your need to relax – and your concerns to your partner. Ask him to tell you his thoughts as well. If, for example, his job is not as demanding as yours, perhaps he feels resentful about this – perhaps he doesn’t have a very realistic view of your work and feels shut out or deprioritized. It may be that he isn’t fully aware of these feelings and that he can get a more mature and balanced perspective by talking it through.
It sounds as well as if you need to bring the romance back into your relationship, in order to get away from the suspicion that he doesn’t really fancy you, that it’s all about him. Suggest that you do something special together on an evening when you have had a day off. This might involve going out; it might be you create a romantic meal to have at home. Either way, this can be a great opportunity to dress up for each other, to dazzle each other, and to enjoy that vital together-time. Alternatively, ask him to meet you after work, so he won’t be expecting sex on the spot, probably.
Your relationship isn’t doomed. There’s a need for some more communication and also a little time management. Once you’ve tackled the root causes of this temporary difficulty, your libido should come back too.