Image from the Lovers’ Guide video download: Sex Play
Have your orgasms become somewhat ho-hum – or are not even happening much or at all recently? Do you find that even solo sex has lost its spark – and partner sex is more of a toil than a blowout? Try the following and you should soon get back to shudderingly satisfying orgasms.
What is an orgasm?
An orgasm is a strong physical and mental sensation accompanying a series of rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor muscles, the penis, the vagina and sometimes the uterus, too. Orgasm usually is the result of a build-up of sexual tension and an increase in blood flow to the genitals, creating a feeling of powerful climax and satisfying release.
There are significant differences between men’s and women’s experience of orgasm. For one thing, males generally achieve orgasm more easily and quickly than females. Only about one third of women regularly have orgasms through penetrative intercourse alone — because it usually involves little direct stimulation of the clitoris. For most men, sex and masturbation involve direct stimulus of the penis, leading to orgasm.
Female orgasm
While women might not have orgasms as readily as men, orgasms can be as intense and satisfying for both sexes. Here are several suggestions to help you reach a more powerful climax.
First off, surprisingly but as many sex counsellors will advise, begin by laying off having sex – masturbating or intercourse – for several days or even a week or so. Abstinence can help reset the body’s needs and allow time to renew the build-up of testosterone – the hormone that triggers sexual desire in both men and women. This is supported by studies that have shown that taking a break leads to people having more powerful orgasms when they do get back down to it.
Equally seemingly counter-intuitive is not to be so orgasm goal-oriented. The more pressure you put on yourself – particularly for women – the more elusive any climax can be. So, focus on general erotic pleasure and take away even the expectation of orgasm. Paradoxically, taking the pressure completely off reaching a climax can allow a glorious orgasm to arrive and flood over you.
Your sensual self and orgasm
Love yourself more – but, no, we don’t mean more self-pleasuring, though you should be sure that you are fully in touch with your own body. It’s about self-appreciation and loving yourself. If you don’t have confidence in your appearance, your sex appeal or your confidence as a lover, you are unlikely to be able to allow yourself to have the best orgasms. Spend time on building up your sense of self. Have a sexier take on life – use erotic books and films to get you in the mood and provide fodder for your inner sex-fantasy library. Remember, the brain is the most powerful sex organ.
Work on your body. Both with general fitness and by exercising those pelvic floor (Kegel or pubococcygeal (PC) muscles. Do it by squeezing and relaxing them over and over for several minutes each day. When toned, these muscles will help bring blood to the pelvic floor and increase arousal. Women both report having much stronger orgasms themselves and giving more pleasure to a male partner by having a stronger grip on his penis. Men should exercise these PC muscle, too, not only to give them stronger erections but also more intense orgasms for them as well.
Communication and better sex
You should also learn how to better communicate with a partner during sex – both in being able to ask for what you want from them and in talking sexily with them to up the eroticism of your interaction. When you know a particular sex position – or sexy move – is a great turn-on for you, you need to be confident enough to tell your partner. And confident enough to tell them what doesn’t work, too. Equally, ‘talking dirty’ can really add more sizzle. After all, if you’re close enough to get naked with someone, you should be close enough to communicate erotically with them.
Another cause of poor or non-existent orgasms is a lack of time or effort spent on foreplay – especially for women. While men can often climax in a few minutes, women can take 15 minutes or more to reach their orgasm. Sure, there are times when a wham-bam quickie can blow your socks off; mostly it’s a slow build-up to it that will produce the most powerful orgasms. So, take time and practice mindfulness – keeping yourself and your thoughts in the moment not fretting about some outside problem or what’s on your ‘to-do’ list.
Doing the same old same-old will likely dull things down. So, try breaking your usual routine and experiment with different techniques and sex positions. One of the best sex positions for maximum female pleasure and better female orgasms is woman-on-top – it allows her to take control and maximize clitoral stimulation. Another position that both men and women report as great for stronger orgasms is ‘doggie’ style. Keep ringing the changes to find out what works out best for you and your partner.
Try a new technique: ‘edging’ – also known as ‘peaking’ or ‘surfing’ to an orgasm. Basically it involves bringing yourself (or your partner does it) to the brink of orgasm (the ‘edge’), stopping for around 30 secs and then starting again. Many find that delaying orgasm in this way makes the climax way more intense when it finally is allowed to happen. It’s also a great technique to help men with premature ejaculation (PE). Women can ‘edge’ when going solo or by getting a partner to stop stimulation when they feel about to reach their orgasm during foreplay or intercourse.
When the truth is that around 80% of women do not climax from penetrative sex alone, not only should time be spent on foreplay – including manual and oral stimulation – you might consider bringing sex toys into the mix. And don’t restrict them just to when you’re going solo but try to get your partner to feel comfortable about bringing them into sex. Your partner will probably get to be as turned on by including sex toys into your sessions as you are. Sexy is as sexy does.
Better orgasms for better relationships
Being orgasmic will do wonders for your sense of self and can be a tremendous boost to your relationship. Lack of orgasm – or lackluster climaxes – can lead to frustration, and an orgasm imbalance with a partner can trigger anger and resentment. Making them happen – and more powerfully – is largely in your hands. Doing some simple exercises, trying new techniques and working on your mindset can reap huge rewards.