Want more sex but you are the one initiating? You need to find ways to get your partner to be the one asking, at least some of the time. Relationships are a two-way street, and that’s definitely true where sex is concerned. But if you’re the only one making moves in the bedroom, it’s easy to become both frustrated and insecure. And before those feelings escalate, it’s crucial to let your partner know how you’re feeling. With that said, what’s the best way to ask your partner to initiate sex more?
The best way to approach this talk is to treat it like an open forum — an exchange of concerns, ideas and solutions. Instead of saying to your partner, ‘You never initiate sex, and it’s pissing me off,’ (which may very well put them on the defensive), start with an ‘I’ statement that speaks more to your feelings than to their behavior. For example, you might say, ‘I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to initiate sex very much, and it makes me feel like you don’t want me.’ This gives your partner an opportunity to explain their perspective without feeling attacked.
Communicating what you want in sex
Telling your partner why you want them to initiate more in an encouraging way. Saying something like, ‘I love having sex with you,’ or ‘When you come to me, it makes me feel wanted and the sex so much hotter,’ are both statements that have a positive tone (as opposed to an accusatory one).
After giving them a chance to respond, follow up by asking questions about why they don’t like initiating, and how you might be able to help encourage them or inspire them to initiate. But do make sure you are actively listening to their reasons for not initiating, as well as any other feelings or fears they reveal to you.
It’s imperative to be as specific as possible during this discussion to ensure you’re on the same page. Instead of simply saying you want them to initiate sex more often, give your partner a frequency that would be ideal. This helps you to avoid any misunderstandings that could lead to further frustration down the road.
And most importantly, remember that this isn’t a one-time talk, but an ongoing discussion — changing the dynamic when it comes to initiating often takes time. Once you’ve set a precedent that you can express your needs openly, you can continue checking in with each other at regular intervals to evaluate whether you both feel satisfied.
Asking your partner to initiate sex more often may not be an easy feat, but it’s the first step to ensuring that you feel fulfilled and desired. Sure, you may feel vulnerable, but no risk, no reward.
And when the reward is more frequent and potentially hotter sex, it’s safe to say the risk is well worth it.