There’s a bad joke that runs: “How do you stop someone giving you a blow job? Answer: Marry them.” But it doesn’t have to be this way! Partners can not only stay hot for each other but even get hotter, even in the longest of relationships.
Of course, we all know the old pattern – things start steamy for the first few months or even years but then the sexual side starts to slide. There are real physiological issues here – your brain is producing less dopamine and other love chemicals as it becomes used to your formerly new partner. Also, life happens – work gets too demanding: stress depletes desire; one or both of you may see (possibly unwelcome) changes in your bodies as a natural part of the aging process, or one partner’s sex drive evolves differently to the other.
All that may make the situation seem hopeless! And it is a common myth that the closer one gets to another emotionally, the less sexually attractive you will find them. But the truth is very different. For many couples, sex actually gets better over time as the relationship develops and deepens.
Feeling Safe Allows Being More Open
For many people, the deeper the emotional connection, the more they feel trusted and valued. Feeling safe in being very open with your feelings and body, without fear of rejection, and in tandem with being appreciative and open, can actually lead to more passionate intimacy in the bedroom – and life more generally.
It’s from such a safe space that you can go on exploring and expanding your sexual horizons together. We all have things we would like to try. But often expressing that to a partner takes a level of vulnerability that can take time for people to feel comfortable with.
Deep connection should allow you to discuss your sexual wish list. It may for example allow you to be open to show and get off on watching each other masturbate. It can be hugely arousing to be comfortable with that level of sexual openness – and you will learn how you each turn themselves on. And that should teach you lots about how you can stimulate them. Or you may start to be comfortable watching erotic material together, which can open up a new world of positions or fantasies.
Nor is it just visual fantasies that you may be more open to enjoying as a couple. Books such as Nancy Friday’s examinations of male and female fantasies, “Men In Love’ and ‘Women On Top’, will not only open your eyes to some very out-there ideas but could help you normalize any kinks you might both have yourselves. Don’t push things, though, there’s plenty that – for whatever reasons – one or both may be less comfortable with or unwilling to do in real life.
Add In Sex Toys
And it’s not just fantasies. The range, variety and diversity of sex toys is ever expanding. From simple dildos and vibrators to full-on bondage gear, there’s a lot out there to explore together. Bringing them into your couple sex can open up exciting new vistas. These aids can create wholly novel sensations beyond the body’s capabilities, helping many people to have more reliable, intense and complex orgasmic experiences. It can therefore be very rewarding to incorporate them into your intimate life. A word of caution – avoid “surprising” your partner with a toy during lovemaking which is likely to make a partner feel pressured and anxious rather than sexy! Try talking about them as you view the wide range that are available on the internet – or, less discreetly, but perhaps more excitingly, consider going to an adult store together.
Quality Over Quantity
Though many studies suggest that people who have more sex have more fulfilling relationships, more is not always better. In actuality, quality is more important than quantity. There is research showing that couples having sex once a week can have the same levels of contentment and satisfaction. In today’s world, the stresses and strains of life can force you to schedule date nights – hopefully as well as having spontaneous sex when the chance arises.
Deepen The Emotional Connection
Make sure you keep deepening the feeling of being emotionally connected in your approach to life together. Even though all relationships have ups and downs, you can last the distance – and make it better and better – through focusing on the underlying foundations – being best friends, encouraging rather than criticizing, and having fun together.
Couples who approach their relationships in this way have a solid, underlying openness and trust. They share their vision for the relationship – what they want to accomplish personally and together over time. People who feel loved and deeply appreciated will want to go on being closer and more intimate. By focusing on your love and relationship with each other in a positive way will allow you both to be the caring – and hot – partners you want each other to be.