Is silence golden? Some relationships appear to tread a steady, peaceful path, but appearances can be deceptive. Apparent harmonious bliss can be a cover for stronger emotions.
A few people seem to live in perfect accord. They agree on everything and there is never a cross word between them. Most of us, though, compromise within a relationship that has its ups and downs, its calm moments and its violent disagreements.
Of course, it is true some relationships are truly harmonious, but others are closer to the deadly quiet of a cold war, or an armed truce.
Naturally, when you are very much in love at the beginning of a relationship, you are likely to find yourselves pretty much in agreement most of the time. You may even believe that this loving harmony can continue forever.
The power of love
Love can act as a powerful anaesthetic. Under its influence you may not even have noticed your own much weaker (at the time) feelings of dissent, irritability or anger. But, like all anaesthetics, this euphoric numbness does eventually wear off to some extent. ‘I never knew you were like this!’ people rage – or, ‘You’ve changed completely since we got married!’
The truth is that most people rarely consciously hide their true selves, or change radically in a short period of time. It’s just that it’s only at the point the relationship’s established that they know whether there is destined to be ‘never a cross word’ between them or, on the other hand, whether their life together is going to contain a certain amount of emotional friction.
With some lucky couples, the peaceful existence endures. The couple find that they think the same way about most things, neither finds anything about the other irritating, and they respect the personality and views of their partner.
But the personalities of the two people involved are usually somewhat placid and giving. Probably not great fighters to begin with, the fact that they are in perfect accord means a sweetly serene existence together.
Jennifer and Aaron are perfect examples of this. They are very good-natured and have never been known to argue. ‘We just don’t rub each other up the wrong way,’ Jennifer explains. ‘I know that easy-going people can be irritating. I’m a case in point. I was married before, and my husband was always flaring up at me. He said I had a sanctimonious face! Aaron and I both have a long fuse. It takes a lot to make either of us angry. But it’s more than that. We really like, love and respect each other.’
Peaceful haven
Another group of happily unaggressive couples have a calm time together despite the fact that, in other circumstances, they can be combative and disagreeable. Usually, these people are very involved with work or other commitments outside the home. Because they are basically in accord with each other, it means that home is a safe haven, and fighting there is a waste of energy.
To a certain extent, this explains the exemplary peace with Neil and Laura. Neil works for a local conservation group in his spare time, while Laura offers a hotline for battered wives.
‘We are both passionately concerned about the things that are happening around us and in the rest of the world. We are doing what we can to make things better and help others less fortunate than ourselves,’ says Laura.
‘Sometimes both of us come home shaking with anger because of different things we have seen or experienced.
‘Anyway, it means that we know we are very lucky to be in a caring, committed relationship, and we don’t waste this bounty by fighting each other.’
Working for peace
But for people like Jack and Nicola, this kind of calm relationship had to be worked at.
‘Our relationship was all but over,’ Nicola confesses. ‘We were tearing each other apart with our rows and were on the point of getting a divorce. Oddly enough, both sets of parents said that we were mad, that we had so much going together that we had to try harder. So we decided to go to marriage guidance – just to show willing, not because we expected much from it.’
During guidance, they realised that they had stopped listening to each other, and both were nursing secret hurts to do with the other’s behaviour.
‘We came to the conclusion that we had to try a new way of interacting,’ Jack says. ‘We formed a pattern of talking things through, particularly if one of us was feeling bad. It became possible to live peacefully, and we both felt much happier than we had ever dreamed of.’
Having a peaceful relationship also means knowing when to stop analysing and let things be. This is what Pam found, because of Oscar’s obsessive rehashing of motives and events.
‘Sometimes we’d be up until three in the morning going over and over some little thing I’d said, and how it had upset him. Often I could barely remember the instance, let alone the ‘tone of voice’ he was complaining about. Oscar’s behaviour was a kind of emotional bullying.’
The silence of fear
Some people live apparently peaceful lives together because they fear arguing. This may be because their own ‘anti’ feelings are so powerful that they are not sure they can control them. Or, in an unequal relationship, the one who loves more tries not to disagree for fear of losing the loved one.
Steve was like this in his relationship with Kirsten. ‘We seemed the ideal couple on the outside. We agreed about everything. In truth, I often disagreed with Kirsten, and was occasionally bitterly angry with her, but didn’t dare let it show in case she ditched me. In fact, she did ditch me in the end, despite how hard I tried.’
Family history
One reason why some people fear arguing is because they too come from apparently peaceful homes, with tense undercurrents of anger or hatred.
Perhaps, in their childhood home, there were rarely public disagreements, but when they came they were explosive and terrifying. And if you have never experienced the healthy give-and-take of ‘friendly’ arguing, the mere prospect of a raised voice can make you fear that it is the end of a relationship.
This was the case with Geoffrey and Caroline. Both had been children when their parents got divorced. Neither knew much about the reasons behind it but remembered the bitter rows.
‘We want to stay together for our own and the children’s sakes,’ Caroline says.
But they are not a happy couple. Sometimes they will not talk for days on end when they disagree about something. ‘Anything for a quiet life,’ Geoffrey says.
Yet the tension would be eased if they allowed themselves to express their different views occasionally.
Silent hatred
There are some who take extra-quiet relationships to extremes. They are, in effect, using silence as a weapon, because what they feel is naked hatred.
This describes Janet’s feelings for David. She has hated him since she discovered the affair he had been having for some years. David had never had any intention of leaving Janet, because it would have harmed his career, and he ended the affair shortly after she found out. Janet would not leave him either, because she wants the comfortable life David can provide.
Nowadays Janet will never discuss anything with David. ‘Whatever you think will be alright with me,’ she says.
‘I haven’t done anything wrong,’ she says. ‘I am not remotely difficult or unpleasant. But why should I make any effort at all to see that he likes being at home? This is a contract, not a relationship. All I’m prepared to do is keep my side of the bargain to the letter.’
Indifference or contempt?
Some people have quietly peaceful relationships because they are totally indifferent to each other and so do not really communicate at all. In some cases, the relationship was stormy at an early stage, but since then all the fire has gone out of it.
This is how it was for Russell and Kate, who have been together for years. ‘It’s hard to remember how it changed. There doesn’t seem to be much point in splitting up really either, because there is nothing essentially wrong.
‘The thing is that we are both very well organised. She has her life and I have mine. We have our own well-defined responsibilities in the house – and we worked out a living plan and a set of priorities years ago. There is nothing to fall out about. It is not so much a question of tolerance, more that we just travel along on parallel lines, so there is no cause for friction.’
Just good friends?
The slightly more positive side of indifference is the not uncommon situation where two people are attracted because neither of them feels that emotional relationships are very important.
Victor and Alison both agree that sex and love are two things they can take or leave. ‘It’s more a friendship than anything else,’ Alison says, ‘and if it didn’t work I would just buzz off, not beat him round the head.
‘I think people who have lots of conflict in their relationships are probably expressing hostility over everyday issues as a cover for something far more deep-seated – anger at the other not being the “perfect person”, for instance.’
The winds of change
Sometimes a peaceful relationship seems perfect, but occasionally you may discover that it just doesn’t suit you.
Joe and Yvonne were perfectly happy for 20 years. Then Joe met Essie.
‘She was a spitfire, a hell cat. She couldn’t have been more different from Yvonne. Suddenly I felt more alive than I had for years. Our relationship didn’t last very long. She was too disturbed for that. But it showed me I had been missing something. I couldn’t go back to the steady jogging of a totally peaceful relationship.’
Joe probably didn’t want an extra-quiet relationship. But those who have, would not swap their harmonious existence for anything else, however exciting it might appear to others.