‘I sometimes find my boyfriend on the internet, well, more that I see the ‘history’ of the sites he’s visited, and they’re just porn. We have an enthusiastic sex life (four or five times a week) and he says he loves me but I just feel I can’t be enough for him and find it’s really stopping me moving forward in this relationship. In many other ways he’s good and kind but this is beginning to get me down – and I hate finding myself snooping on his computer. What do I do?’
The Lovers’ Guide responds:
Oh wow, so your bf browses porn. Purlease. That would be because he has a Y chromosome. Is it interfering in your sex life in any way? Only insofar as it’s bugging you. (Well, actually, not quite true: his virtual ‘sex life’ could be quite an inspiration when it comes to his sex life with you – of which, more to come.)
First off, why are you snooping – or rather ‘finding yourself’ snooping, as if your hand moused through to his history all of its own accord? (Whoops! Here I am checking up on him again!) This is a serious question: Why do you care? Think about it. Is it, for example, because you want to share more and more in his sexual imagination? Is it because you like putting yourself in his position, maybe as a way of maintaining a (sexual and loving) bond in your own mind? Maybe you like the sites? Maybe you sense there’s something missing from the sex you’re having now? Or are you really just plain jealous, and a touch obsessive, and think his every waking (and maybe even sleeping) sexual thought should be about you?
At risk of generalizing terribly, men like porn. No, okay, not all of them. Not every single one. There are those who are honestly left completely indifferent – and some of those are the fast-bucking side of the menopause, male ‘equivalent’ of. But, as a general rule, men like porn.
Perhaps it’s worth going through a sample range of male responses to the weird and the wonderful, the grotesque and (mostly) the terminally average sex acts depicted online. Yes, there can be arousal. Heavens, he may even be masturbating sometimes – re. which we’ve often thought a left-handed mouse could be useful. There’s almost certainly a healthy streak of curiosity, not so much in terms of fresh techniques or unusual sex positions, though they can be there, as at the weird disparity of porn sex and real, loving couples sex, of sex between people become more or less sex objects and sex where there are real, intimately bonded, loving subjects getting as close to each other as people can. It’s the sort of thing he might show his mates: ‘Corr, get a load of that!’ It’s self-evidently not the sort of thing he thinks it worth bothering to delete his history for.
Moving on, have you thought about letting him know you know what he’s been looking at? We don’t mean this in a ‘let’s have a row’ sort of way. We don’t mean confrontation, not at all. There are some possible positive outcomes here that could lift your sex life for both of you. Let’s build on this thought: it is possible he’s been leaving his history files intact on a shared log-in because he wants you to see. ‘Now why would he want that?’ you wonder. Let’s go figure this one together. We’ll hold your hand.
Maybe – these are all maybes – he does have things that he’d really like to communicate about sex to you but can’t find the words for. Maybe he’s shy. It doesn’t sound as if your relationship is yet very long term – you talk about ‘moving forward – and maybe that’s a factor in terms of his ability to be fully expressive about sex. Has he perhaps sensed you’re holding back a little? Has your enthusiastic sex life really, fully explored all that sex could have to offer? Are you still on ‘best behaviour’ with each other and things could get more raunchy, or plain ‘down and dirty’ – and is your snooping a sign that’s where you might like this relationship to go? Maybe there’s more to be done in terms of ‘letting go’ and losing every inhibition? (You want to know if he’s trying to tell you something, you can always – nicely, ever so sexily – ask.)
If any of this rings true, and if asking sounds a bit like a mood-wrecking serious talk, you could always let him catch you browsing the sites he likes. Better yet, you could dress for the occasion – this by way of blowing his mind – and run through some scenes together. (Have a camcorder set up, though maybe keep the tape under your lock and key!) Go wild and take him to heaven and back – and yourself too – and relish the sex you’re having more and more as a part of a vibrant relationship, as vital as the goodness and kindness and the ‘I love you’. (Note: goodness and kindness are great, are indeed relationship essentials, but they can tend to be a bit wishy-washy in the sack department. Add some spice!)
Sound tempting? Or maybe that’s not quite you? If not, follow your heart and your true sense of the sort of girl you are. And quit snooping.