It’s easy enough to see why homophobia exists, and why homophobic bullying happens. People bully. They want the excuse. They want something, someone to get at, to make feel bad, because that’s a quick fix to make them feel bigger, because they feel small. A lot of men become trapped in lives insufficient to give scope for all their potential to blossom. The pack-mentality sets in. If they can exclude someone else and seal themselves up against difference they’ll feel safer. Sexual difference is particularly charged because sex has been the part of our lives most strictly policed for millennia. It’s to do with insecurity and a failure of imagination. Homophobes don’t want to feel like life’s victims so they victimise someone else.
So what? Does it help if we see homophobia really as just an excuse to bully someone? Maybe. If we can understand why people behave as they do we can feel more confident that it isn’t our fault. We’ve done nothing wrong. It’s their personal failings, not ours. It can help to remember that when the last stupid word someone’s muttered our way is in danger of being the last straw that gets us down. As a gay man you have something that’s good, and they’re scared of that, intellectually, personally, imaginatively unequipped to deal with that fear. There is a danger that when someone says something bad about us, particularly when it happens persistently, that we introject that attack and start to punish ourselves. Understanding can help us not to sink to that level.
How should we respond when people bully us? It’s worth assessing how much threat there is. Will it only be words they use? Is there a risk of serious physical harm? If the former, no, they’re not just words, but at least you’ll keep life and limb intact. You may choose to ignore it, turn the other cheek, push them gently to one side of your life. It may be they’ll stop if they see that they don’t get a rise, or it may be they’ll keep egging you on until they do, until your resistance cracks. You may challenge them. If you choose to do this, don’t get cross and hysterical: show no weakness. A level-headed, rational response, a few questions even, can work to undermine the grounds from which they’re attacking you. You may choose to make a joke of it, laugh it off, show you’re not hurt. Again, the results will always be uncertain. It may be laughter strips them of weapons they can use, or they may look to expand their armory. There is no perfect solution. In the end at least a part of you is going to need to rise above it.
If, on the other hand, the threat is physical, then there’s really no question. You need to get out of that situation fast, and preferably try to avoid it in the first place. That isn’t cowardice. It’s sensible. It’s not worth putting your health on the line for them. When people start ganging up on and hitting an individual whom they outnumber, their assault can quickly become inhumanly severe. You don’t need that. Keep your head down. If they start coming towards you, look for other people, houses whose doors you could knock at, anywhere public where you can find help. Run. Hide. Get out of danger. Never underestimate other people’s capacity for violence. And always report it to the police.
Bullying doesn’t all end once you’ve left school, but it does become immeasurably better. Adults generally respect other adults’ space, in a way that a thousand-odd boys crushed together in the same group of buildings, and the same classes, often do not. Adults are able to do more than choose their friends; they can choose their acquaintances. The scope of their lives, where they might choose to be at any one point, is simply greater.
Homophobia hurts. It can wreck people’s lives. It can drive them to suicide. The statistics remain absolutely shocking. You can be left in a hole from which you feel you’ll never emerge. Rest assured, you will. And when you’re going through difficult times, keep your eyes on the future, yes, but also on what’s inside you now. That’s good. You know it’s good. If some other people can’t see that, there’ll be many more who will. Take a moment to dwell on what’s inside and it’ll help you get through it and come out the other end still healthy and smiling.