Falling asleep in each other’s arms after having sex can at times be the perfect ending. A little gentle afterplay, though, does much – to please each other, cement the relationship and, if you’re in the mood, pave the way for more.
The popular image of afterplay as a couple discussing art or the meaning of life is one that few of us live up to – or would want to. For most of us it merely takes the form of a relaxing activity together – talking or cuddling each other, or re-stimulation in preparation for a further bout of lovemaking.
Afterplay vs. foreplay
Given that intercourse is a very intimate experience, involving sharing and caring behaviour, it’s hardly surprising that many couples feel exceptionally close after sex.
But, equally, it is fairy-tale fantasy to expect the average couple who have made love hundreds or perhaps thousands of times to be ‘lovey-dovey’ every time after sex.
Because it makes us aroused and is a promise of what is to come, foreplay is bound to be more important and valued by the average couple than afterplay. As with so many things in life, the preparation and anticipation is often as good or even the best part.
There will never be the same excitement and drive to indulge in afterplay as there is to enjoy foreplay, and this is especially likely to be true for men who, on average, build up and resolve their sexual excitement more quickly than women.
Anxiety and afterplay
There are, however, a large number of women who, either consistently or inconsistently, don’t reach orgasm during lovemaking. Some find themselves left high and dry when their partner has finished, because they feel it is somehow aggressive or wrong to tell their partner exactly what they like, where they like it and for how long.
Although some women have found various means to deal with their resulting frustration, if they were to tell their partner at the very moment of frustration, he would probably be only too eager to bring them to orgasm orally or manually – and he might well be turned on by the prospect.
Far from making the man feel vulnerable by admitting that his penis alone does not make her climax, a woman can add another dimension to sex by inviting her partner into her most intimate sexual life.
Many men also experience anxieties, which they may try to hide by getting sex over with as fast as possible. Some men will turn away after making love instead of using these post-lovemaking moments. It’s a sad comment about the so-called ‘joy’ of sex that many men and women often feel they have to resort to such patterns of behaviour.
Relax – and enjoy
Most people enjoy relaxing together after sex. A drink, listening to music, talking and cuddling are common afterplay pastimes as the couple relax in the after-glow of sex.
None of this needs to be prolonged and formalized. The direction and nature of what happens is bound to be linked to the time of day, the mood and the situation in which they are making love.
Clearly, early morning sex hardly lends itself to prolonged lying around afterwards because most people have to get up to go to work. On holiday, early morning sex can be prolonged and enjoyed in a totally different way, even used as a prelude to going back to sleep.
Relaxing afterplay can act as a reinforcement of a couple’s love bond. This is a good time to compliment each other with ego-boosting remarks which are all too often left unsaid.
Sexual satisfaction
Every lovemaking experience should leave the couple satisfied, but not satiated. Ideally, we should all be so delighted with what we have experienced that we are looking forward to the next time with eager anticipation.
Sweet nothings and praising remarks are, in this context, a part of afterplay for this time – yet foreplay for the next time. It doesn’t matter if that’s an hour later or a week. It serves the same purpose.
We might take our partners for granted much of the time, but a few words of praise or genuine thanks for a lovely experience works wonders for a relationship, especially if one or other feels low or sexually insecure. For the woman who feels she is losing her looks or who is menopausal, or for the man who is plagued with worries about sexual inadequacy, such praise during afterplay encourages further sexual activity and boosts his morale.
It’s important to emphasise relaxing afterplay because the vast majority of people find sex a release of tensions and a promoter of relaxation. As a result, many dislike further physical stimulation – unless they are unsatisfied during intercourse itself – and some find it a positive turn-off. It’s probably best to leave one another’s genitals and other erogenous zones alone after sex – unless, or course, you intend to re-arouse one another.
Once more with feeling
For some couples, however, a sensual episode need not end after one act of intercourse. They want to re-stimulate one another or, more often, bring the woman to orgasm to satisfy her.
Many a man finds that in stimulating his partner he becomes re-aroused himself, and before he knows it he is making love again. In fact, for some women, the first bout of lovemaking will often be viewed as a form of foreplay. They let their man make love to them quickly, possibly even roughly, and then start real foreplay with a view to having an orgasm both before and during sex.
This can be a particularly good way of coping with the man who comes too quickly. The couple make love so that the man is not so ‘trigger-happy’. He then spends time stimulating her and bringing her to orgasm while he is building up to his next erection – which can often be much harder and longer-lasting than before. This way of running things can work very well even for the man who does not come too quickly, especially at the start of the day when he is fresh and full of energy and vigour.
The golden rule for this type of re-stimulation is to do exactly what the woman most enjoys. This should be all the easier if the man has already come. He will have relieved his urgent need and can then concentrate entirely on the woman and her needs – and be totally unselfish in his lovemaking.
The selfishness of men is a common complaint that women make, especially of the man who simply goes for his own pleasure and ignores her needs.
Unfortunately, it is true that many men do still use their partners as a sort of sexual apparatus to satisfy their needs, although this kind of behaviour is fast disappearing.