Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half now. I’m positive I love him, and he is just great with me. The problem is me. I snap at him for nothing. I’m edgy and nervous and very irritable. We had a big fight about it and I promised I would try and be more human.
I’d like to know what’s wrong with me as I feel very depressed. I’m always pestering him for sex and physical contact and attention and I’m smothering him. I would like to surprise him to show how much I appreciate him but first I want to try and change my stinking attitude. Any advice?
The Lovers’ Guide replies:
First, you need to stop being so tough on yourself. On one hand you are one of those people who like a lot of attention, contact and reassurance. However, you may need to consider that this perfect man is not meeting those needs. Your reactions and your behaviour are at least in part just that, namely a reaction to the present situation in the relationship.
What you appear to be describing are feeling of insecurity and you are attempting to address those needs. You may find counselling could be useful to see if it’s something to do with you and your past.
Or perhaps your boyfriend is one of those people who just expects you to know how much he cares. Expecting the other person to be a mind reader is a classic recipe for problems. You and your boyfriend need to sit down and have a heart to heart chat. You need to tell him how you feel and see what you both can do to meet each other’s needs.
This may seem like more criticism to him, so you might want to use the sandwich technique. You start with some positive feedback, then you offer feedback on where there could be a change, and then you finish off with some more positive feedback. This tends to ‘soften the blow’. It may also help to chat to an outsider, maybe a counsellor, but it’s clear that you are both responsible for the present situation to some degree.