Taking charge

It is understandable that many women might feel themselves to be the relatively passive partner while having sex. The man puts out, the woman receives. Culturally, even now, there can be lingering imbalances in the sexual politics. Of course, men and women play different roles when they have sex, and with many sexual positions the man may indeed be more ‘active’ or ‘dominant’. That’s fine up to a point, the point being when both partners think that it’s up to the man to give the woman an orgasm. For him: a fairly hefty dose of pointless anxiety. For her: disappointment can beckon. It’s time to take charge.

Sexual confidence and sexual empowerment begin with ownership of your own, unique sexual being. Use masturbation to enhance your self-knowledge, to attune to a warm, full-body, fully experienced sensuality, and a centred awareness of all that your body can give to you. Culturally, we are trained not to be overly sensual, sexual beings in our day-to-day lives. In some cultures, inhibitions on overt female sexual being can be severe; in others, the models of sexual being on display can be untrue and inappropriate to you. Use masturbation to discover a confident awareness of your true sexual self. This includes fantasy, physical awareness, physical feeling, and too some basic practicalities about what gets you off. How do you like to masturbate? What works? What are you going to show him?

This is about making sure that you experience complete satisfaction, including orgasm, each and every time you have sex, and it’s about what you are going to bring to the banquet. A lot can depend on sex-play, or foreplay, prior to and surrounding intercourse. What do you like? How do you want to be kissed, licked, and touched? Do you love long, lingering oral sex sessions? Is it his physical presence, the naked intimacy, that makes everything right after a tough day? Talk to him about it. Ask and ye shall receive. Get on top for sex-play – even if you don’t like woman-on-top sex positions for intercourse – and tease and caress him while you pleasure yourself. Rub your clitoris against his penis. Press your nipples against his mouth. Guide his hands as you caress each other.

During intercourse, make it your responsibility to get the sex positions right for you. In missionary positions, grip and push – use pillows to help raise your pelvis, if that works for you. Raise your legs and draw your knees back to change the angle of penetration. Pull him up higher for greater clitoral stimulation. Respond energetically, and let this be a real energy-event, as you both let go and let yourselves get carried away, letting any inhibitions go.

Try changing positions while you’re having sex. Watch the Lovers’ Guide Sexual Positions feature, and watch together, to discover some new sex positions to explore. Try woman-on-top sex, using your fingers to stimulate your clitoris as you go, to feel sexually powerful and bring yourself to orgasm, while giving him a great view. The same goes for doggy-style sex and other rear-entry positions: your hands and his penis can be a beautiful partnership. Keep communicating – words, noise – to keep this experience fully together, so you can both be confident you’re both getting what you want.

Of course, many of us, men and women, feel that it’s when we relinquish control that we experience the most intense orgasms. Great sex works up to fever pitch, and something unconscious takes over to carry us – We’re in the grip of something greater, riding that wave. Taking charge does not mean refusal of that powerful surrender; it means giving us, giving ourselves, the tools, the techniques, and the confidence to get to that point. There is a joyful complementarity when two people in love have sex. Even now, your orgasms probably won’t be simultaneous, and if he comes first, at least one of you is going to need to take her there too. This doesn’t stop you being together. Men, try kissing and holding her close as she masturbates or uses a toy to reach orgasm. It can be wonderfully intimate for her to feel your face close to hers as she brings herself off.

Posted in Better Sex: Pleasing Her, Sex