Men, if you find you can’t ejaculate with your partner, use this programme to help you overcome the probable issue – of over-control.
Most men have a degree of control over when they ejaculate. They learn, through practice, how to hold their excitement below the critical level at which orgasm occurs, delaying it until they feel completely ready to let go and climax.
The problem of over-control
However, a few men tend to have too much control. Although they feel sexually aroused and have firm erections, they cannot ‘let go’ and the normal ejaculatory reflex is inhibited. Anxiety about sex caused by a rigorous religious upbringing, or fear of making your partner pregnant, may contribute to the problem. Often, men with this difficulty tend to be ‘super-controlled’ people who have difficulty in expressing any strong emotions, or in feeling emotional closeness. Some men may have unwittingly ‘conditioned’ themselves to ejaculate only when they masturbate.
Sometimes there is a physical basis for the problem: a few drugs inhibit ejaculation and similarly, some medical and surgical conditions. See your doctor and tell him about the problem if it has developed only recently.
As you grow older, you may need stronger stimulation before you ejaculate and may not always reach a climax. The ability to last is one of the advantages of advancing age. However, you may need to accept that intercourse will not always end in ejaculation.
True ejaculatory over-control may be so severe that the man cannot ejaculate at all, even when he masturbates. This rare problem will almost certainly need the help of a professional sex therapist. The chances are that you have the problem to a much milder degree: perhaps you can ejaculate if your partner stimulates you by hand, but you cannot climax in her vagina, for example.
Programme for speeding ejaculation
The aim of the exercises that follow is to give you intense physical stimulation with progressively closer contact with your partner, but at the same time to distract you so that you cannot easily hold back and exercise too much control over ejaculation. Practise each step of the treatment as often as is necessary to gain complete confidence, and at every stage use fantasy or the memory of past sexual pleasure to increase your excitement.
You may find the first two or three steps of the programme easy, but work through them all quickly until you reach your ‘sticking point’. Your partner’s help will be an essential part of the treatment, so it is important for her to read through the exercises with you so that she understands what she has to do.
1. The first step is to ejaculate comfortably in your partner’s presence. Sit close together but with your backs to each other. Masturbate until you ejaculate, using KY jelly or another lubricant. Repeat this step several times until you feel at ease doing it.
2. Now involve your partner. Hold her against you as you masturbate. Practise as often as you need to until you can ejaculate easily while she watches you.
3. Your partner now helps you ejaculate, using manual or – if you both prefer – oral stimulation. Guide her hand to show her the vigorous stimulation you need. She should use plenty of lubricant.
4. At your next session, start to learn to ejaculate progressively closer to your partner’s vagina, though not yet inside. She should try to use less vigorous stimulation now, to prepare you for the gentler sensations of vaginal containment.
5. When you are confident you can ejaculate with your partner stimulating you, you are ready to progress to intercourse with ejaculation. Your partner stimulates you until you are close to ejaculation and then you enter her, adopting a position in which she can reach your penis and continue to stimulate it with her hand as you thrust. Ask her to stop when your orgasm is imminent so that you ejaculate through thrusting alone.
6. The final step is to climax through intercourse alone, without additional manual stimulation. However, your partner should stimulate you by hand first, so that you are highly aroused before you enter her. A man-on-top sex position in which her legs are closed is particularly effective because it increases the friction on the penis.
Assessing your progress
If you find that you ‘block’ at any stage of this programme and further progress seems impossible, it is probable that for some reason you are ‘holding back’ mentally as well as physically from your partner. The most common reason for this is a fear of close involvement with women, although there may be a particular conflict in your relationship which needs to be resolved before self-help therapy can be effective. See ‘Overcoming the fear of intimacy’, which examines some of the difficulties involved in forming and sustaining relationships.