Should we get a dildo?

Unsure if a dildo might add extra zest to your sex life – or of the ways you might use one? Perhaps concerned the male partner might feel left out? The Lovers’ Guide takes the plunge.

Annabelle (28): I’ve had a vibrator for years and Jamie and I use it a lot when we’re playing around with each other before we have sexual intercourse, but I’ve wondered if it might be fun to get a dildo. Can you tell me if they are worth bothering about or are they something that you buy and either never use or use only occasionally and then put in a drawer and forget about.

Jamie (32): I’m very turned on by the thought of Annabelle getting a dildo. I already love bringing her off with her vibrator. It makes me feel really aroused and she obviously loves it too. Annabelle is very, very sexy and open and we already have terrific sex several times a week. But I do have one worry about her buying a dildo and that’s that she might get to like it more than she likes me.

The Lovers’ Guide replies:

A dildo could add a lot of pleasure to your love life together from what you say. Dildos come in all shapes and sizes, plain or with a motor that makes them vibrate. Some have a scrotum; others don’t. And some even ejaculate water or milk, which you fill them with beforehand.

The vast majority of dildos are softer, quieter and more lifelike than the average plastic vibrator and so are a lot more pleasurable either when masturbating or in love play with a man. For the woman who likes something inside during self-stimulation, a dildo is ideal as it can be held in place by her vaginal muscles if they are tight enough or by wearing a pair of panties to stop it slipping out.

When using a dildo, remember that the latex with which they are often covered is intrinsically somewhat sticky. It therefore needs a lot of lubrication if it is to go in comfortably. If you are highly aroused and very wet yourself, this may be enough, but most women say that they use additional lubrication because it makes insertion so much more comfortable.

Perhaps the greatest complaint one hears is that women tend to get dildos that are too small. They look at the thing and think, ‘God! That’ll never go into me,’ forgetting that a baby can come out of the vagina, which is a very stretchy, tough organ. Seemingly huge dildos, scary to behold, can turn out to be just about right on insertion. To avoid disappointment, buy one a size larger than you think you’ll need and then, when you are highly aroused, you’ll still feel stretched when it’s inside you.

Of course, it is possible to make your own dildo – and a homemade dildo can be a way of discovering your perfect size. If you are going to make your own dildo, do make sure that whatever you choose to use is very smooth, with no sharp edges, and put a condom over it. The main disadvantages of homemade dildos are that they tend not to be very visually appealing and they are one-use-only affairs.

What you do with the dildo once it’s inside will, of course, be up to you. Some women say that they like to use it as if it were a thrusting penis, while others greatly dislike this and simply want it held still as their pubic muscles contract on it as they become aroused. For some women, having something inside them as they climax makes all the difference between an okay orgasm and a great one.

Of course, you can do any of this with or without Jamie, who, incidentally, is expressing a common fear. After all, the average dildo is somewhat larger than the average penis and insecure men sometimes say that they fear their partner will become addicted to her big friend and kill off their penis. Given that many men have fears about their penis size, this is understandable.

However, having said this, if you find that your dildo and you become good friends – and there are those who have pets names for their favorite toy – it makes good sense to encourage Jamie to take part in your sex games so that he doesn’t feel excluded. He could, for example, use the dildo as you caress your clitoris, or vice versa. It could also be used in your anus if you enjoy anal stimulation, but be sure to use plenty of lubrication and go very gently.

Looking after your dildo couldn’t be simpler. Once you have used it, just wash it gently in warm water, dry it thoroughly and then store it somewhere away from direct heat. If you have children, you’ll also want to put it somewhere that they can’t come across it. Children seem to have a sixth sense about their parents’ private belongings and can sniff them out at 200 meters.

You should never share a dildo with anyone else, because of the risk of infection, unless covering it with a condom first. Also, if you use it in your anus, always wash it well before inserting it into your vagina again.

If at any time you find insertion painful but normal sex comfortable, then just take things more slowly. Make sure you are aroused and do some deep breathing. This will relax your pelvic muscles and enable the dildo to going easily.

Whether or not a dildo will end up collecting dust in your drawer we can’t foretell, but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t give one a try and see how you go.

Posted in Sex, Sex Q&A