With the best and most mandrogynous will in the world, it can be that guys go into sexual relationships with a little to prove. We want to please, and probably wouldn’t mind as well being thought of as a great lover. There are pitfalls here and then, as relationships progress, and as our sense of what works for our partner comes on apace, it can be all too easy to think we’re ‘performing’ just fine, when really things are not quite as they could be. These are top sex-mistakes made by men, and how to avoid them.
1. Neglect seduction
Sex is not switch-on-and-switch-off-able. Men need only to consider their own performance, and performance anxiety, to know this. How many men have ever worried about conjuring up an erection from the thin blue yonder, and taken recourse to a blue pill just in case? Sex happens within a relationship, and that relationship needs to be sexy as well as sexual. When does foreplay begin? You could equally ask: When is it ever not a thing? When are you not loving and valuing your partner as a sexual – and sexy! – being, to whom you are lucky enough to have privileged access?
Make her feel sexy all the time. Think of her in this way all the time – and communicate this. Send those texts, buy that random bunch of flowers, and tell her, using words, in a none too subtle fashion, words such as: ‘You are the sexiest human being on planet Earth.’ Avoid all room for ambiguity and doubt on this one! This is seduction, desiring and letting her know that she is desired. This way, when you take it to the bedroom, you’re both in the zone and this is just the natural thing to be doing next.
2. Stampede for the clitoris
Yes indeed, the clitoris is key, but let’s not neglect the pleasures of the garden path on our way to the door. Your partner is not a clitoris-support mechanism. Her body is a temple, and it behoves you to treat her as such. Show your admiration and love of her whole body. Express your love of her beauty. Kiss and caress her all over. Put ‘having sex’ on hold for a little while and massage her, perhaps using massage oil. You’ll become aroused as you do this, and more and more in tune with her. This will all be adding up to the fullness of your experience as well when you have intercourse. Increase the intensity of the stimulation, and begin to focus on and around her clitoris, when she tells you this is now right.
3. Forget she needs more than intercourse
Sorry, lads: your penis in her vagina is probably not going to do it. Seventy to eighty percent of women do not experience orgasm from intercourse alone. She needs more foreplay, A.K.A. sex-play, hands, toys, and oral. If in doubt, you can do worse than follow the rule: she comes first. Better even before penetration. And when you are penetrating, try sex positions where you – and she – can stimulate her clitoris.
4. Make assumptions
This sexy trick worked last time, so it’s going to work this time, right? Well, not necessarily. Give it a go, sure, but don’t count on it – and don’t be surprised or offended if she or the moon have moved on, and obviously not at all if it’s a different ‘she’ entirely. You wouldn’t want to have the same conversation every day with your partner, would you? You wouldn’t say the same things each and every day, and expect the same: ‘Yes, dear. No, dear. Oh I know, dear.’ (At least, we hope you’re not trapped in a sit-com parody of mild senescence.) Same goes for sexual satisfaction and orgasm. The same conversation each day just might not cut it. Each time you have sex is in part a listening experience. What is she saying she wants now? What is her body saying? To which touches does she seem to respond most pleasurably? How does the sense of timing seem to vary? Ask her to tell you what her treat might be today – what would she most like? There should be an open dialogue between you about what you both want when you are having sex. Keep it new each time for both of you.
5. Neglect fantasy
Sex is far more than physical sensation. Our most important sex organ is our brain. We take ourselves places when we are having sex. We experience ourselves in different ways – perhaps as more enhanced human beings. To share fantasy does not necessarily need to mean that we are playing roles, or pretending to be different people than we really are, although it can mean this and sexual role-play is a perfectly normal activity for couples. It can also be just admitting to each other, through what we say, the more romantic and even poetic ways we are to each other. ‘I love you as my goddess.’ ‘You body is perfect heaven.’ ‘Where shall we imagine we are making love this evening?’ Keep these thoughts alive when you are having sex. There is a make-believe element to having sex which can be beautiful.
Of all the sex tips we might offer to you and the lessons we might preach, please take this one thought away from this article: be attentive to her. Your partner has chosen you already – you’re fine, she likes you. You don’t have to pretend to be anything. And there is a skill-set, and you have a lot of time, a window of opportunity, to reassure her that you’re up for the learn. And, basically, that is way cute. Love is about adoring and asking questions about her body and mind. Remember: this is not a performance; and you are not in charge. Enjoy!