Understand why people have forced sex fantasies and you can actually discover ways to enhance your sex life – and move beyond such fantasies if you have them and really don’t want them.
Fantasies about forced sex are not uncommon. We might worry a great deal when we imagine being forcibly taken by another – and even more so should we imagine ourselves as the aggressor. We might feel that we need to repress such thoughts ruthlessly, since they are about rape. If, though, we understand why we might be having such fantasies, we can learn to explore them, not necessary role-play them with a partner, and use them to enhance our sex lives.
Forced sex fantasies are about control and the loss of control. Having striven for equality between the sexes – and, indeed, a more ‘equal’ view of people generally – we might wonder why it is that someone would, subconsciously, wish to lose control. Surely that person should wish to be empowered, within him or herself and because of who he is she is, and not (subconsciously) wish that power to be blissfully relinquished.
In brief, if we imagine ourselves being forced into sex, which is to say being raped, that is a sign that we are not quite as comfortable as we might wish to be with our sexuality and our sexual selves. We may want sex, fully abandoned sex, but there remains some stigma attached. This may be because of early training – that sex is ‘wrong’, secretive, ‘unladylike’ or ‘dirty’. It may be because of previous bad experiences with sex and sexuality, which we have internalised and made part of ourselves. If we imagine ourselves being overpowered and forced to have sex, that stigma can be removed or evaded – because it is not really us doing it; it isn’t our fault: ‘he or she did it to me.’
One might then ask: ‘What if I’m the aggressor? The same thinking obviously can’t apply to me.’ Well, it can. In fantasies, and we really must emphasise that this is about fantasy, the aggressor and the victim are, from the point of view of the subconscious, two sides of the same coin. Each role is a different way of consciously expressing the same thing. They’re pretty much as one. To imagine forcing someone to have sex is a sign that we do not feel at one with sexuality: in one way or another, we’ve learned that sex is wrong; it doesn’t quite fit within our normal, safe, civilised selves. Sexually, we are not fully empowered.
As to which role one might imagine playing, that will depend on many factors, including the ways men and women are taught to think of themselves as ‘men’ and ‘women’, and the ways they are taught to behave in order to be so – in which respect, much remains to be done.
One way of keeping forced sex fantasies harmless is simply to let them occur and shrug them off. You might try to see where the power and the powerlessness lie in the fantasy. Through doing this, you can start to realise how each partner can feel powerful in loving ways during sex. What exactly do you do in the fantasy which is good and feels powerful or fully abandoned but isn’t there in real life sex? Such good behaviour could be used to enhance sex with your partner.
Others take part in fantasy sex role-play in which one partner is clearly dominant in some way and the other submits. Nurse and patient, teacher and pupil, sergeant major and recruit – these are among the fantasies people play.
Others still take part in complex bondage or sadomasochistic practices, often in which pain is really inflicted. Few, though, would like to try this even once.
If you do not want ever to fantasise about forced sex, don’t repress the fantasies; rather, as suggested above, deal with the fears, worries or negative thoughts about sex which are being expressed in your fantasies. Use the whole of the Lovers’ Guide site and video range to enrich your sex life and get you feeling completely happy and secure in yourself and with your lovers.
Understand and feel confident about all your sexual feelings and you’ll know you can manage them and that you are not at risk of ever crossing the line between fantasy, role-play included, and reality.