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My wife had a lesbian sex flirtation! Party on?

Lesbian sex play?“Is my wife a lesbian?!” Well, probably no. Still, when the booze is flowing at a great party, sexy things can happen. Worry not: advice is given.

My wife and I were at a party recently and she disappeared for a while. A fair bit of alcohol – and more ;-) – had been consumed and I became worried and went to look for her. I was quite shocked to find her at the top of the stairs with another woman going down on her. We have talked about it and my wife says she doesn’t really know why she let her but it really didn’t mean much and at worst she must be bi-curious. This has started to nag at me. I don’t know whether this was a one off or whether she is really a lesbian. How do I deal with this?

Our reply – Have your say in the LoveSpace forums:

Erm… Deal with what? She was drunk, she was having a bit of drunk fun, in a drunk sort of way, as you do at a party. Assuming she was reasonably sober when she thought it a good idea to get married to you – and this wasn’t a forced marriage of the deeply naïve – it seems a fair bet that, when not drunk, your wife isn’t a lesbian. (Have you ever had one of those morning afters when you’ve wondered why whatever foolishness it might be seemed a really good idea, entirely logical, the night before? Wondered why exactly you’re waking up somewhere strange? Checked your ‘sent items’ folders with dawning horror? Hmm, exactly.)

We could, then, make mention of the ways research suggests sexuality can tend to be more fluid and less bi-modally distributed in women than men. It may be your wife is bi-curious, whatever that means exactly, in which case a little alcohol could well help to lower inhibitions and permit more exploratory sexual behaviours. It may be your wife found making out with a woman quite pleasurable – and if so, it’s worth bearing in mind that fun, physical, sensual pleasure is a far cry from romantic, emotional attachment. It may be she’d quite like to make it a two-off or three-off. None of this means she’s a lesbian.

You don’t mention that your wife has felt any need to apologise about this, and it doesn’t sound as if she feels she’s been unfaithful. It sounds as if, when you talked about it, your wife was reasonably frank and capable of considering options about why she might have let the other woman go down on her – and it sounds as if it was the other woman initiating things here. Until she starts going off on endless secret liaisons and going off sex with you, there’s really nothing to deal with.

Still, it isn’t entirely surprising that the thought of your wife with another woman has nagged at you. Lesbian sex play is, after all, quite an attractive sexual fantasy for many men. Perhaps you’ve entertained this fantasy before now? And, of course, fantasy is one thing, reality (usually) another – and here you’ve found that boundary crossed.

You might take a cue from this to loosen any sexual restraints you might have a little more. Perhaps your experience could pave the way to more interesting sexual experiments. Try talking about sex play and sexual fantasies more with your wife. Think about what else you might get up to. You might even find you’d both like the idea of a threesome, though that might be taking things a bit far for you (it’s whether you could deal with it emotionally more than physically).

Anyway, that’s for the future. As for the past, there really isn’t much there needs dealing with. Move on!

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Posted in Relationship problems, Relationships