My partner views internet porn

I’ve found my partner looks at lewd sites on the internet when I’m out, really pornographic stuff about older women etc. I have confronted him about it and he said it’s just for titillation. He also looked at an AdultFriend finder site. Again, when confronted, he said ‘sorry’ and that he wouldn’t do it again but he has.

We have a very full life, an enjoyable sex life. He’s been divorced for 2 years and we have been seeing each other since June last year. He has told his children that we want to take them to USA later this year and talks about a future together. He’s been out of work for a while (he’s had a bad time when his marriage broke up and he lost his job – Financial accountant) but just secured an interim post till the end of Jan and is up for a 3/4 year job in China, which he would like me to accompany him on.

I have been trying to build up his confidence and helped him with dressing right and feeling/looking the part when going for interviews. It does seem to be working. We live 50 miles apart but spend most of the week together either at his or my house. I find myself checking his computer when he’s out because I don’t trust him now. Should I finish it now?

The Lovers’ Guide replies:

Thank you for your message. First off, it’s safe to say that a lot of men view pornographic and otherwise ‘adult’ content for, in your partner’s word, titillation. It wouldn’t even occur to them that this might constitute unfaithfulness to their partner: it’s a whole world apart from their real relationships.

Having said that, men and women also use porn, erotica and the like to explore their sense of themselves as sexual beings – and to fuel their sexual imaginations. It could be that this has been particularly important to your partner after the disturbances of the last two years. His sense of himself has been shaken and this could be one way he’s getting himself back together and securing his sense of his new and future self.

It’s a bad idea to be checking his computer, both because it’s underhand and because it sounds as if you’re not going to like what you might well find there. If you don’t want to participate in his use of erotica and porn, could you just accept that he’s getting something out of it and leave him to it, providing, of course, he isn’t actually going to be really unfaithful?

In terms of making future plans, six months is not a very long time to have been together. It’s probably unwise to decide now you’re going to China with him – and better to say you’re not sure but you’re considering the possibilities, then see how you feel closer to the time. This is especially the case given that your partner is in a transitional stage of his life at present. It could also be that the thought of your going so far away really does not appeal to you and so you’re looking for ways to get out of it.

It’s not for us to say whether you should quit the relationship or stick with it, but we hope this does something to clarify your thinking so you can make the right decision for you.

Posted in Relationship problems, Relationships