My man wants anal sex play: am I losing him?

Using anal sex toys on him: when he wants anal sex play, could this enhance your relationship or are there issues?

I’ve been with this really sweet guy for going on three years now. He’s 25, I’m 28. I think I’m his first long-term girlfriend and I’m aware of his past and too how he still carries on once in a while – he’s fairly bi. That’s okay; I trust him not to do anything totally stupid STI-wise. If he wants to come in looking sheepish after an all-night out with friends, that’s just something he needs. (Although I do think he’ll probably grow out of it.)

He’s obviously into anal sex play and I let him rim me – I quite like it – however I’m not letting him have sex with me there. A couple of weeks ago, we were fooling around, I was giving him oral sex, and then I started rimming him, for the first time. He was really into that and started saying how he wanted me to fuck him. I wasn’t then going to use my vibrator up there so I just fingered him a bit while I sucked him off. I thought that was it but since then he’s been suggesting we get some more ‘gay toys’. I really can’t help but feel his emotions are in a different space from where I am. Okay, I’ll give it a go, I guess, though I’m not really into the idea. I’d like to know what’s really going on here.

The Lovers’ Guide team replies – and what would you say?

It seems you’re showing a lot of understanding here. There is risk entailed in his behaviour, even assuming he’s being ultra-careful when it comes to using condoms if he’s having anal sex with men. Condoms don’t protect against all STIs. He does sound somewhat confused and this could easily be clouding his judgement.

There are questions to ask. Are you sure he really does love and is committed to you, and that social pressure, for example, isn’t forcing him toward a heterosexual relationship? If you really are okay emotionally with his needing sexual satisfaction elsewhere, then, aside from the significant safety issues, it’s perfectly possible to run with the thought that he’s committed to a loving relationship with you and just needs, well, ‘a bit of cock’ every now and then, in the same sort of way that straight boys like a lads’ night out with the boys to watch football.

It could even be that by suggesting anal sex play with toys – he being passive – with you he’s trying to bring more and more of that side his sexual self into your relationship.

If you’d like to give it a go and you’re feeling squeamish, get him to douche first and get his anus and colon really clean. (Send him off alone to the bathroom, then he can report back, and with extra towels in hand.)

He can come online and choose the sex toys he’d like to use. It should be interesting to see what his choices are. (If he wants you to use a strap-on dildo to have sex with him, or maybe a double-dildo, you might feel this requires further discussion first.)

What you can then do is choose together whether you want to combine anal sex play for him with more to-and-fro mutual pleasuring – maybe you have sex first, for instance, or he gives you oral sex – or if you use this sex session to focus on using the toys on him, perhaps while you play with your vibrator, or maybe just look on amused and appreciative of his gratitude.

Once he’s chosen the toys, lube them up and experiment. He can be passive, receptive, and no doubt making noise, giving feedback, and you can get off on this – it’s not a world away from giving a more conventional massage. In terms of positions, he might like to position himself flat-out, face down, or in doggie or over the bed’s edge – facing up in a deep missionary position can be trickier for you. Vary the depth and pace, swirl the toys round inside him, ask how he wants it and see what he likes. Try going at it real hard as he gets warmed up and keep him at a pitch of intensity until he begs you for ‘mercy’ – Have a safe word ready for when he does really need you to stop.

You might find you vicariously share in the thrill and the pleasure you’re giving him. You might really get off on this: think, power-sex kicks. You might find you and he are ready afterwards to make sweet love and cuddle for hours.

Well, we wouldn’t recommend trying everything once, but it could certainly be worth giving this one a go. Then see how the relationship goes from there.

Posted in Sex, Sex Toys