My boyfriend wants me to top him: what do I do?

Passive gay sex advice: he wants me to top himIt can feel such a sexy thrill to submit completely to a dominant partner, to the point where we lock our cock and balls in a chastity device and give him the key. But what if he doesn’t really want us so sub-passive after all? Advice is given.

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about four months now and it was going really well. He’s like the daddy and I’m like the baby bear, or twink or whatever. I’m totally passive and maybe a bit sub. I like it when he orders me about – we play sex games like that, like him eating off me and me sitting on the floor next to him while he browses internet sex sites – and I wear a chastity device that only he’s got the key to, so he’s got total power over my sexuality. I thought it was going really well, the sex was amazing, and he was really helping my life to change. Now, though, he started teasing me about ‘doing my bit’ and ‘making myself a bit useful’ by fucking him. It’s really worrying me and I think he means it. It’s like what started off perfect has now all changed.

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It does sound as if you’ve been going through some tough times and maybe your life hasn’t been so happy in the past as it might have been. Submissive feelings are entirely natural. So is your being passive when you have sex. It can and should feel very beautiful when a passive man gives himself up to an active partner having sex with him – beautiful physically and emotionally. There’s nothing at all wrong with our carrying this passivity into the relationship as a whole, although our well-being there does depend on the relationship dynamic as a whole being right for us – in other words, to be a healthy relationship, the two personalities need to be a good match.

Four months is not a lot of time to get to know someone. A figure often bandied about is that the first three months of a relationship pass in a dizzying high – as we are quite literally high on the hormones our bodies produce when we fall in love. Our perceptions are distorted, we invest an enormous amount of who we are in our hopes for the relationship, our sense of what’s rational is hugely emotionally tinged – and this can be a truly positive experience, paving the way for more level headed happiness when the first ‘love buzz’ fades. For these first months, it seems there’s always more to find out about each other – not surprising, considering we’ve only just met. Each side makes the effort and is on best behaviour.

It looks like you’re coming to the end of that phase of the relationship. You’re touching down again on planet Earth. The teasing doesn’t sound pleasant. The way you put it, it sounds as if there’s quite a nasty tone creeping in. It could be he’s just being flippant and doesn’t realise the impact his words are having. It could be this is to him an extension of your usual sub-dom play, and he’s testing the power relationship to the point it becomes abusive to your mind. Do explain to your partner that you don’t want to top him and you don’t like him speaking to you that way. Let him understand that what he’s saying is upsetting you. It could be this is all it will take for things to get back on track and for the relationship to move on, with your boundaries and mutual self-respect more fully established. This could be one of those relationship milestones we go through – and let’s hope that’s what it is.

It could be that the relationship is winding down, or that the reality of who you both are isn’t quite how you thought it was. Maybe he’s not quite the dom type you wanted him to be, and now he’s been playing along with that role for the last four months he’s getting bored with it. Maybe you’ve got some of what you needed from this person, in terms of the life changes you’ve been looking for. Maybe it’s time for you to reclaim some of the power over your sexuality, and the independence, you’ve relinquished to him.

Alternatively, maybe he does just want some anal stimulation – and it could be he’s feeling frustrated about not getting any. If that’s the case, there’s no need for it to be your penis giving it. Give him some dildo sex and you can still feel you’re serving his every need without feeling your sex role is wrong. It’s really very different using a dildo on your partner than it is having anal sex with you being active. Again: ask.

Either way, you need to be prepared to accept the true state of things, however that may be now. Hey, it could even make things better and be fun.

So talk with your boyfriend. Say what’s on your mind and ask what he thinks. Is he happy to keep the key to your chastity device on terms you both enjoy – and are you still very happy when you look at and feel your chastity device to think your cock’s in his control – or is it time he handed the key to you? Make this a calm, friendly talk, even though the emotional consequences to you are high. Remember that the point here isn’t to try to manipulate his response; it’s so you’ll know what’s what and you can move on accordingly.

Posted in Gay, Relationships, Sustaining