Lost Libido

He’s hot, you’re not. You’re compatible, but somehow your penis isn’t so keen. If you’re the one with the low libido, don’t think of this as a terrible, insurmountable problem you need to deal with on your own, but recognise it will be a relationship issue, to be dealt with within the relationship and with the support of your partner. Here’s how to get your sex-drive back on track.

Now, before discussing the subject, you can certainly spend time thinking it through and considering possible approaches.

If the loss of libido is recent, look for short term causes. Perhaps you’re tired or stressed, or there’ve been one too many late nights out of late, or your diet’s bad or something is pressing on your mind, either to do with or apart from the relationship. If it clearly is recent, then the solution is likely to be simple. Take time in to rest and relax. Come back to yourself. Indulge in a long, hot bath or a massage. Rediscover pleasure. If something is worrying you, talk it through with your partner. On the one hand, he can help you not to worry so much. On the other, it will reassure him to know what your concerns are. You’ll be helping him to be understanding of you.

Your situation may, though, be different. It may be that you’ve slowly been going off sex, either in the course of this relationship or during a period of sexual inactivity, in which you’ve deprioritised sex and relationships to pursue a career or other interests. If this is the case, you’re going to have to work a little harder and spend more time on switching your libido back on. Your sex drive won’t entirely have died, but it has gone underground. You need to call it back to surface, both it terms of your response to immediate, physical pleasure and in terms of how you imagine and think of sex.

Once again, make a point of spending time to indulge yourself. Relax, close your eyes, let your mind wander and fantasise. Recall what, in the past, has made you feel sexy – and supplement your memories by erotic stories and thinking about what you might like to try. Touch yourself, but don’t aim to get an erection – and if you do, leave it alone to focus on other parts of your body. Explore your sensations as you stroke your hands across your skin and linger on those areas which feel best.

Once you’ve done this, it’s time to get your partner involved in your rediscovery of sex. Have him massage you, and for the first days or weeks avoid touching your genitals. You don’t want your penis from the start to be obviously ‘the issue’. That will just lead to further anxiety. Focus throughout on the receiving of pleasure, locating the feelings he gives you within yourself and associating these with your partner.

Gradually, as find yourself becoming more and more aroused, you and your partner may touch your erection during these sessions. Still, the aim is not to reach climax as soon as your body seems willing. Enjoy the feeling of being hard, and the feelings that come as he strokes your penis. Finally, when you feel your libido is securely back in place, you can reward yourselves by having sex through to orgasm.

It takes an understanding partner to help you through the times when you’ve lost your desire to have sex. Help him to be understanding. Make it clear that it isn’t his fault. It doesn’t mean you want to separate. And you can still pleasure him. Massage him once he’s done you and tune in to the feelings in his body. This will help you find yours.

You can still give him oral sex and want him to penetrate you. Just make sure that your satisfaction of his needs is working with your relocation of your sex-drive – in other words, that you’re not shelving the issue or pretending it isn’t there. He will want you to have an erection, and once he’s helped you to do so you’ll find the relationship strengthened.

Posted in Gay, Health, Psychological Health