How to talk about sex with your partner

It’s often the case that the people who should be talking the most about sex are those who find it hardest to. We use our bodies to reach towards intimacy, yet may not be achieving the full sense of intimacy we really want because the words are missing. If we can learn to communicate about sex with words, it can improve our sex life no end and also in turn, our relationships.

Many people find it difficult to talk about the most simple of things in life, let alone sex – and with the advent of new technologies, we all seem to hide behind our PCs or mobile phones to a certain degree and often substitute an electronic exchange of messages for a proper social life. So it’s no surprise to learn that some of us go cold at the thought of communicating our sexual needs and desires one-on-one.

If you do find it difficult – and many lesbians do – think about alternative ways, such as writing letters, to broach the subject. Quite often, when one broaches the subject by giving even the slightest hint, it can open up channels of communication quite easily.

It doesn’t have to be viewed as something sleazy or pornographic. You can simply start by sending a card saying ‘I love it when you touch me…’ saying exactly where you like to be touched. That way, when she receives it, hopefully she’ll be flattered and surprised enough to start on some dialogue.

Alternatively, you may find that once you put pen to paper, your fantasies run away with you and you can pass these on in letter form. She might be surprised, she might be secretly pleased, but whatever the outcome, you’ve made a starting point to talk.

If letters aren’t your thing, how about post-it notes on the fridge or in her bag? As long as the cleaner doesn’t have a heart attack reading them, they should certainly do the trick! If you really can’t live without technology, email her if you must – but it’s not as special as a thought through letter in the post.

There are alternative ways to speak to each other too. You could try blindfolding each other and simply talking about what turns you on about each other – quite often, it’s the eye contact that is the difficulty when talking to people. This takes the pressure off and you will probably find that doing this will lead to more passionate lovemaking as you will be relying on other senses to discover each other’s body.

There are many reasons why we find it difficult to talk about such intimate things, and it is difficult, but with encouragement and trust it’s something that can be achieved. You don’t have to be talking sexily at every given opportunity, but sometimes the smallest words about what excites us and stirs our loins can make the biggest difference in a relationship.

After all, it is not only the physical intimacy that indicates we are loved or desired by someone, but also the emotional intimacy and all that goes with this.