I feel unfaithful - like I'm cheating

Hi. I'm writing in looking for some advice really! I met my soul mate three years ago and I've been with her in a very serious relationship for the past two years. I left my boyfriend of four years for her. The connection we had the second we met was undeniable, really amazing. Over the past two weeks I've been thinking about another girl that I've met. I know it’s just a phase but it’s the first time I've gotten 'distracted' from my baby. It's really bothering me. I feel guilty.

I was out on a night out with this new friend of mine (at a neutral party that we both had to go to where incidentally I kissed a guy for a sec after a lot of alcohol) and afterwards she came back to my house and I know things got a bit intense but nothing happened, thank God! I feel like I'm being dishonest cos I'm not all there when I'm with my gf. I feel 90% there and 10% lost in my thoughts. I'm also dying for a fast and furious ride from a guy every now and then. Right now, I'm feeing disconnected and lost. I can't talk to my best friend cos she's also my gf's best friend (that’s how we met). I feel a bit claustrophobic, I want to be a free spirit for a while, I love making connections with people, mentally, I love feeling tension. To me this is cheating cos I can feel it. My head is wrecked... Please help. I just want to get someone’s perspective on this. Thank you for letting me vent!

The Lovers’ Guide replies:

That two year period can definitely be something of a relationship milestone. For many, it’s the time for moving in, for example, and for thinking seriously that the rest of their life could now be spent with the other person. It’s understandable that you feel a bit claustrophobic – maybe as if life’s options are closing down a little? One of the ways we deal with this is to think about being with other people – and it’s good to consider our options before re-committing to the status quo.

In terms of being a free spirit, may we take it here that you mean sexually? Well, if you act on any desires to have sex with other people, that’s going to involve you in lies and guilt, assuming your partner doesn’t agree to it. As for just thinking or fantasising about being with other people, that’s really not uncommon and needn’t be a bad thing. Perhaps you’re missing the freshness of starting relationships. Perhaps your sex life feels a bit like it’s stuck in a rut. If so, you might start thinking of ways to be romantic again and to bring more variety into your sex life.

The thing really to watch out for is if your thinking about other people is because you really don’t want to be with your partner – so it could be time to run a reality check on that. Which of your options do you really want?

Having said all of that, the first thing to do might be to take a few deep breaths and calm down! You haven’t cheated on your partner! We’re allowed – it’s great – to meet, connect and enjoy the company of other people! It’s okay to get lost in our thoughts at times. You’re obviously very anxious to do the right thing, but why be anxious when it’s the right thing you’re doing?

Dedicate time to yourself in this relationship; enjoy considering life’s possibilities – and when you’re with your partner, make the decision that you’re dedicating time to her.

Hope that helps a little. And do find someone you can talk to freely to let off some steam!

Good luck.