Is fantasising during sex bad?

Q: I am 22-years-old and I have been with my girlfriend for two-and-a-half years now. My problem is that I’ve never reached an orgasm without thinking of something, like imagining other people having sex. I would so much like to reach an orgasm just thinking about nothing or just about my girlfriend.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex with her but I feel like I’m deceiving her because I think of something different. I often try to relax and not think of anything. There’s just one sentence that comes into my mind when I do. “You won’t do it!” Then I think of a scene from some movie to get this thought out of my head and I often reach a great orgasm. It’s also like this when I’m masturbating. It just doesn’t turn me on enough to think of something happening with me. This makes me very sad.

The Lovers’ Guide replies:

Too often it is all too easy to focus on the negative. You enjoy a good sexual relationship with your partner of two-and-a-half years, and you’ve got a good imagination. That’s great. It’s also important to recognise that humans can be incredibly creative where sex is concerned. People fantasise during sex to differing degrees and some people don’t fantasise at all. It takes all sorts. You happen to be someone who does fantasise and your sadness derives from the fact that you think it’s bad. It isn’t.

However, if you are really committed to changing, there is a psychological technique you could try. You’ve correctly spotted that relaxation is the place to start. Try a relaxation technique with some affirmations. These are short statements that you repeat to yourself. But instead of trying to force a change and experiencing a strong reaction, you take a gentler approach.

Say ‘Increasingly I find my girlfriend appearing in my fantasies’. That way, even a tiny change is a success. Have patience, repeat this exercise a few times, and then try fantasising about her. If she fades from the scene, simply acknowledge it and then bring her back into it. Patterns take time to change. Just be patient.

Finally, don’t put so much emphasis on orgasms. Don’t overlook the process for the sake of the end result. Enjoy the journey. Be yourself – and enjoy that too.

Posted in Sex, Sex Q&A