How slow can you go? Taking the focus off intercourse

It is a truth universally acknowledged that intercourse alone is often not the best way for a woman to experience orgasm. Women need more, and guys get that. Still, it can take a little care and thought, something of a change in mind-set, to take the focus off intercourse and redefine foreplay as sex-play, so that both partners can enjoy long, lingering hours of intimate, sensual, erotic, pure pleasure. If all too often your intimate moments are just that, moments, it can be awkward when you’ve probably both decided it’s time to turn things around, that something is missing here, that you want more.

‘Let’s make this last…’ Make a date to make love last – an evening set aside, a weekend staycation, a spa break away if your wallet’s in good health. This chunk of precious time is yours and yours alone, to de-tune from everyday anxieties and re-tune to your own selves and your own bodies and to each other. Romance each other again. Bring gifts and make each other feel special. It’s Valentine’s again! Even just taking some time away from the everyday and you might be surprised as you realise a quality of love you might have been missing lately. Stop the world, and experience all the love in the world as you smile and gaze into your partner’s eyes, and see your happiness reflected… Now get ready to do that, clothes off.

Maybe you know which sex-play techniques you most enjoy. Perhaps you need inspiration. If so, download the Lovers’ Guide Sex Play feature, or order a copy on DVD, to watch together, cuddled up in bed, saying when you see a technique that you think looks nice. As you make love, take turns asking if you can try something on your partner or your partner on you. Some things you’ll love, others maybe aren’t so much for you. There’s no pressure: this can be time to experiment.

Guys, explore ways of massaging her clitoris and labia with your hands and tongue. Rub your tongue across her clitoris from side to side, both firmly and gently – Explore different speeds of movement and levels of pressure. Insert two fingers into her vagina to connect with the G-spot and beckon her towards you, massaging the upper wall of her vagina while you lick her clitoris. Smooth your hands around her inner thighs and caress her buttocks. Listen to how she responds; the kinds of touch she likes might be different from what pleases you.

Girls, perhaps you’d like to try new ways of touching or licking and sucking his penis. Try circling your tongue around the head – keep it wet – or slowly massaging the frenulum, while at the base of his penis you pull the skin down to make him feel even bigger, and caress his balls. Licking up and down his penis and sucking his balls can feel divine. Massage his perineum, between his testicles and bum, while you take just as much as you can of his penis in your mouth. Tease him with a melting ice-cube, then suck on the ice-cube to make your mouth cold before going down on him.

Use sex toys. The man can enjoy sharing in her play with vibrators. Show and tell him what to do, then you can lie back and relinquish yourself to your partner’s attentions. Express your pleasure, and tell him how nice it is that he’s giving this to you. As with all things, give rewards and positive feedback. Guys and girls, respond to your partner’s care about you and let your partner know just how much he/she is valued. It is the best thing in the world to know that we are valued by the person we love. Relax and let your partner do you.

Lingering sex play can enhance orgasm for both partners. The more time and touch you have to engage, the more you can engage. There may be times when you want to switch to intercourse and be with each other that way. Other times, the woman may want the sight of her man coming over her or taste him in her mouth. Sex, when you’re not making babies, is all play, and with that thought your lovemaking can take on a whole new dimension, as you both explore just how much your bodies can give to you as you connect. There is a world of joyful, emotional connection to be explored here, and a certain easy levity. After all, play is fun.

Posted in Creative Lovemaking