Brewers droop?

Q. I keep ending up in bed with people I really like and who I want to impress, only to find myself impotent. I blame the booze, but if it weren’t for having fun with them for hours in the bar I wouldn’t be in bed with them...What can I do?

Besides which, they don’t seem to have a problem. I’m nervous enough anyway when I sleep with new people (in this respect, at least, drink helps) but this is making me dread it.

A. Some men say drinking lowers their inhibitions and allows them to have better sex. Others find the opposite’s true. Their desire may indeed be raised, but their performance is utterly diminished. With you, the first obvious suggestion seems to be to lay off the booze. No, you don’t have to go T-total, but take it easy. Drink less alcoholic drinks, and fewer, and make them last. Do not, in other words, get drunk.

There is a larger issue to consider, namely the state of your nerves when you’re sleeping with someone new. What exactly are you afraid of? Do you think you look ugly? Look again. Or are you afraid of opening up and letting go? If so, people do accept that they’ll see a new side of you when having sex. Whatever may be causing those nerves, you need to face up to it – and perhaps be able to dismiss it as an illusory fear. If they’re in bed with you, and if it’s the first time, they’re obviously game for the unpredictable.

But yes, that impotence is compounding your nervousness, which in turn is factoring back into the impotence. It’s a vicious circle. One suggestion is to take time on your own to masturbate and explore your fantasies and desires. Another is to elaborate the foreplay with your partner. Take it slowly. Build up to the point when desire stirs and your penis wants to have sex too. Acknowledge your nervousness. If you do that you might find a lot of the nerves will go. If you’re open and honest, there’s less to be scared about.

If all else fails, dare we suggest Viagra? It might just help to restore your confidence – which is really the issue here, assuming you are able to sustain an erection when on your own.

Finally, if it really isn’t happening tonight, you can find other ways to pleasure your partner. Give him oral sex and maybe a massage. If you’re friends, or you’re becoming friends, he’ll understand. If he doesn’t, let him go and hold out for an appropriate partner who is also a real friend.