Perhaps the most important communications we make in our relationships are those which express to our partner how much we love and value him or her. If we are expressing our love a lot, then it’s highly likely that all of our communications with our partner will be healthy. We’ll have confidence whenever we speak or prepare to listen to our partner, even if there might be difficult subjects to tackle. The great news is there are some really simple strategies to help you face talking through tough subjects and achieve the goal.
Read on and please send in your thoughts and experiences about this.
How do you express your love and what does your partner do and say that makes you feel loved and valued?
Give the love
The cause-effect relationship between our thoughts/feelings and words/expressions runs in both directions: yes, if you’re happy, you’ll tend to smile; also, if you smile, you can tend to trick your mind into feeling happier. Anyone who’s ever been hypnotised or used neuro-linguistic programming techniques, to lose weight or to give up smoking, for example, or who has just been persuaded by an advert, can attest to the powerful impact words can have on our thoughts and feelings.
To bring this within a relationship context, get yourself into the habit of simply complimenting your partner each and every day. These can be just nice, general things that you like to say. Far more powerful, though, is to choose specific things about your partner to say and show how much you appreciate. For example:
· Show me those beautiful eyes of yours.
· Give that cute smile.
· Let me feel your muscle.
· I love your breasts
· Your cock is beautiful.
· Your legs reach up to heaven.
· I love the taste of you.
You get the idea. You probably think these things a lot of the time you’re with your partner, but how often do you actually say them? You should. It’ll help both of you feel great. It will help you because you’re opening up with your thoughts and feelings, affirming them and giving them more and more fully permission to be out there as a fundamental aspect of who you are and how you experience your relationship. It will help your partner because he or she is hearing these beautiful things about himself or herself. For both of you, the expressed love becomes more real, more fully actualised and fully experienced. It can only be good.
For more information on giving the love in your relationship, try these Lovers’ Guide titles:
Push the Team
When it comes to addressing the big relationship issues, sex included, you’ll be using many of the same skills you employ when you and your partners are working as a team in more ‘everyday’ matters. If, for example, you are – or your partner is – worrying because one of you has gone off sex, and you’re wondering what you both can do to address this, it really isn’t a whole lot different from, say, organising a fancy meal for guests or map reading your way to a holiday location – especially if you both have a free and confident attitude to sex.
Try this, though – and using that meal as an example. While you’re planning it – who’s going to get what, what the timing will be, etc – build compliments and expressions of appreciation into what you say. For example:
· The butcher always gives you the best meat – you get that.
· Will you do your special dish with the vegetables?
· Thank you for… [fill in the blank here with something specific and don’t just leave it at ‘thank you’]
If all that sounds cheesy, or as if you’re overdoing it, lose that thought. You’ll find that by speaking the appreciation and gratitude while working together through a strategy as simple as this, you’ll experience the happiness more and become more adept at communicating feeling generally. These are practically the same communication skills you’ll use when talking about sex. The fact that sex is sex and not the fancy dinner makes precious little difference.
Practically the same? Precious little difference? Okay, so what are the differences?
There are two main differences. One concerns attitude, the other knowledge. Don’t worry so much about the attitude – any missing confidence about sex should sort itself out with time, experience and knowledge.
As for the knowledge, you can quickly and easily fill in any gaps in the knowledge you or your partner may have. To do this, don’t just watch the Lovers’ Guide features together. If you already have a Lovers’ Guide video on DVD or as a download on your computer, get it out tonight and enjoy exploring the skills and approaches there with your partner. Talk together about things you might like to try, things you know you already like, things you think are funny or strange or interesting or just perfect. And while you do this, build in the compliments and express that love. Your relationship is something you do and have together, not on your own.