Our thanks for the advice and the questions you’ve sent in about enhancing female orgasm. Here’s a selection of the tips you’ve offered – and our responses to the issues you face and your areas of concern.
Let’s begin with one visitor’s description of orgasm – and female ejaculation: “When I experience an orgasm, my pussy starts to feel really tight and cramped up. Then I feel a sudden squirt and before you know it, I’m squirting pussy juice everywhere! I love rubbing my fingers along my smooth and shaved pussy and feeling my clit get super hard!”
This experience of pressure-release, self-love, power and complete arousal is at the heart of orgasm. Already, though, men might be wondering where exactly they fit into this. It’s true that many women find masturbation more fulfilling than sex with their partner. There’s nothing wrong with that – but with a little care, technique and imagination, men should be able to feel they really can fully pleasure their partner.
For more sustained orgasms and even to experience female ejaculation, try this visitor’s approach: “My girl orgasms best when I rub the clitoris with my hand. Each time the exact motion needed is a little different, but it’s always a steady movement. Then, when she comes, if I stop rubbing and just hold pressure on the clit she will cum for much longer and has even squirted at me.” The steady movement here is quite important.
Vary the pace and the depth of penetration when you have sex. Men, try this visitor’s approach and tease your partner to orgasm: “Try slowly to insert your penis into her. Start by slowly inserting the tip of your penis into her and after a while just pound it, then slow down again. Go slow for a little while and then speed up. She can have a much better orgasm that way. This way also works with your fingers or a dildo.” We would add that, when the woman is close to orgasm, it’s often best for the man just to keep on doing exactly what he’s doing right now!
Anal play and double penetration isn’t to everyone’s liking, but you might find this visitor’s suggestion works for you: “My wife and I have learned what really pushes her over the edge. After a lot of foreplay, touching and teasing and kissing, she turns on her side, allowing me to enter her vagina from the rear. After stroking her a dozen or so times, I pull out and use my thumb gently to penetrate her anus. After a few wiggles in this respect, I re-insert into her vagina. This double penetration sends her a huge and explosive orgasm.” On a health note, we must add that fingers, objects or the man’s penis should not be passed between the anus and vagina. That way, thrush – and worse – lies.
Control – and the ability to lose control – is an issue both when it comes to sex with a partner and when the woman is able to achieve more powerful orgasms on her own. As this visitor writes: “Well, what works for me is the perfect position: when I am on top it hits the right spot and I can control my rhythm and thus my orgasm lasts longer then if he was on top.”Fantasies play a hugely important role in reaching orgasm. We don’t know whether this visitor is a man or a woman, but here’s a fantasy about great power and virility: “I find that I have the greatest orgasm whenever I think about a farmer bringing a bull to serve his cows. The love juice just oozes at the thought.”
While we would never dream of suggesting sex must be better than masturbation, the issue of discomfort during sex can detract from the woman’s experience of orgasm: “For me orgasms are best when I’m standing up. Not sex, that’s uncomfortable, but when I’m alone. The weak knees afterwards are fun also. I start out sitting and finish off standing up. It’s very intense, especially if I can manage to stay on my feet through to the very end.”
This visitor also knows just what works for her: “The best way to get a real good orgasm is to ride a pillow. You can really thrust it and it rubs your clit just hard enough to tease and soft enough to want you gagging for more.” We wonder, if the man’s technique isn’t quite how the woman would like it to be, whether she needs to give him a few lessons. Talk about what you like, guide him while having sex, and you might find the man is very eager to learn!
Control and technique might also be a factor here: “My new girlfriend doesn’t get orgasms when we have sex together. What worries me though is that she tells me she never has! Only by masturbating on her own. So here goes my idea of myself as the super-lover 🙂 She is extremely pleased, though, and we are both very happy with our sex life. It’s just strange that she enjoys it so much. I can see her body feeling everything I do to her. We have long and slow or hard and fast sex for anything between 15 and 60 minutes. I have used hands and tongue and cock. The only time she came was when I first took her anally. Any clues?”
Well, the anus is full of nerve endings and can be highly pleasurable for both men and women when stimulated. Maybe it was the element of surprise/difference/dominance-by-you that brought your partner to orgasm when you once had anal intercourse. 27% of women, say some stats, have tried it – although, drilling down into those stats, few (only 10% of those; i.e. around 2.7% of women) seem actively to enjoy it. It seems that your partner does not have a problem reaching orgasm on her own – which is a good sign that she is orgasmically capable. The problem seems to be with intercourse. This could be a trust issue and one where she has the problem of relaxing sufficiently into the experience with a man to let herself go. Try suggesting she read the classic book on the subject: “Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women” by Heiman and LoPiccolo (Simon & Schuster, NY, 1992) or watch the Lovers’ Guide programmes “Better Orgasms for Her” or “Satisfaction Guaranteed” with Tracy Cox. Download these features here – or visit the Lovers’ Guide shop
Women do tend to take longer than men, when having sex rather than when masturbating, to be sufficiently aroused to let go and experience orgasm. This visitor’s solution is to bring in the toys: “Use a bullet to get her to climax first, then while she is still there she can lower herself onto you and remove the bullet. Her next climax should then be even better.” A bullet vibrator can be especially good when the man might not be entirely at ease in the presence of a more penis-sized and shaped vibrator.
For visitors concerned about not reaching orgasm during penetrative sex, but who can reach orgasm with their partner through oral sex or masturbation, it could be time to explore different positions when making love. This visitor suggests coital alignment technique (CAT): “The best is to hump your partner and lay right on them. Squeeze their legs in between yours. You don’t hump regularly. Do a ‘figure-8’ with your hips. It feels amazing.” You can see that in our Sex Pos download clip here
For more advice on the problem of not reaching orgasm, try this article: What is wrong if I have never experienced orgasm? And you’ll find more related articles listed below.
Our thanks for all you’ve sent into us so far. Keep your messages coming!