Slow intercourse, in the sex positions which most readily allow for this, can lead to a more intense and protracted experience of orgasm for both men and women. One reason for this is that the sensation has had time to build and gather in intensity, and another that our minds, our thoughts, have become more fully embroiled in the act of lovemaking, and in all the fantasies we share with our partner. The afterglow can become positively dreamy – for him – and a great opportunity to keep going and have more orgasms – for her.
For many women, masturbation is the best way of learning about their bodies and their sexual responses, and the best way of enhancing and broadening the range of their sexual responsiveness. We learn about ourselves as sexual beings when we masturbate. We gain in confidence as well as knowledge. There is no-one to please when we masturbate apart from ourselves, so the pressure’s off, and there is no-one looking, which for some women means they can relax fully, and devote themselves to exploring the best ways for them of experiencing orgasm.
The comfy sofa is a great place for exploring seated woman-on-top sex positions. It’s where a lot of us start thinking about having sex as the nights draw in, and with the fire on and some mood music playing, why take it upstairs? Girls, start with leaving your clothes on! From cuddling, get on top to kiss, and lay your hand on his groin to feel him harden. Depending on his choice of underwear, this might need releasing now. (It can get uncomfortable in there!) Talk sexy as you peel his pants open, and maybe invent a pet name if you haven’t already.
Many men love doggy-style sex for its pace and intensity, and sheer visceral thrill, as well as for the visuals and the feeling of dominance. It can also be great for both of you if you feel at all insecure about the facial expressions you make approaching orgasm, since you won’t be looking at each other’s face and can feel really free to let yourselves go. This can be a way of gaining in greater confidence, or if you feel the mood when you’re having sex generally could use a bit of a lift. For some women, though, there are issues with doggy-style sex. The stimulation offered might not be quite right, and there’s a risk of emotional disconnect – of feeling ignored.
In a healthy relationship, where you both talk to each other, it really shouldn’t be the case that the guy is worrying if the girl really did have an orgasm just then, or was that just a touch exaggerated? Guys do want their partners to have an orgasm – and this can put pressure on women too if they don’t want to ‘disappoint’. Explore sex positions to enhance her orgasm, and to help her come (almost) every time.
There are times when the gift of love with your partner means you want to dedicate some time to making him happy. It’s nice to treat our partner, watch him going all doe-eyed and helplessly grateful. When you’re having sex, explore sex positions that give him heightened sensation, tactile and visual, generally ‘wowing’ him, blowing his XY mind. And of course, while you’re giving him his treats, you can be making sure you’re getting yours.
‘I know we’re all supposed to masturbate these days, and that’s all part of a free and healthy sex life. Well, I do – I feel compelled to; it’s a habit – and where I go in my head when I masturbate, I do not want to describe, but I go there, and afterwards I feel soiled, drained, ashamed, and physically depleted. Is this just me or is this a general thing? Have I just not got a proper handle on this, or is everyone pretending, when they know it’s wrong? By the way, I’m a (single) man.’
We almost all of us have sexual fantasies. For many, our fantasies are where we explore thrilling alternatives and imaginary additions to the sex lives we enjoy with our partners. Unconstrained, we are transported in our imaginations to experiences which feel wholly satisfying, where we are carried on the high road to orgasm, where the brain – our most important sexual organ – has what it needs to feel fully sexy and fully turned on.
It is understandable that many women might feel themselves to be the relatively passive partner while having sex. The man puts out, the woman receives. Culturally, even now, there can be lingering imbalances in the sexual politics. Of course, men and women play different roles when they have sex, and with many sexual positions the man may indeed be more ‘active’ or ‘dominant’. That’s fine up to a point, the point being when both partners think that it’s up to the man to give the woman an orgasm. For him: a fairly hefty dose of pointless anxiety. For her: disappointment can beckon. It’s time to take charge.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that intercourse alone is often not the best way for a woman to experience orgasm. Women need more, and guys get that. Still, it can take a little care and thought, something of a change in mind-set, to take the focus off intercourse and redefine foreplay as sex-play, so that both partners can enjoy long, lingering hours of intimate, sensual, erotic, pure pleasure. If all too often your intimate moments are just that, moments, it can be awkward when you’ve probably both decided it’s time to turn things around, that something is missing here, that you want more.