In matters of partner selection, it hardly needs saying that different men pursue different qualities, but can be worth remembering that different people desire and love in different ways. Reflecting on how you love, and how others might love, can be beneficial when seeking a partner, or merely a date.
It can be like swimming with sharks when you first hit the scene, the sprawl of clubs and bars in whichever big city you’re nearest to. When you enter the bar, all eyes turn. They could be doing rather more than simply undressing you with their eyes – while they summon to their aid their long-rehearsed, terrible chat-lines and flex their paws. What are they looking at? Chicken.
It’s the younger who often assume they’re in a one-on-one relationship just because they’ve had sex once. Expectations run sky-high and are often unsustainable – though sometimes our earliest relationships do indeed last into the long-term. For those with a little more experience, the various commitments made with another person take time and need to be discussed.
You’ve had a wonderful evening. You dined well, perhaps saw a play, spent a little more time than you’d planned getting lost in the noise of your favourite bar. Now you’re taking him home. And now you need to preserve and enhance the mood of the evening so far. You don’t want to get through the door and find that mood crash, because the light’s wrong, your bedroom’s messy and the home just isn’t a sexy place.
Flirting is massively underrated but it’s a great way to make someone desire you!
The received wisdom is this: if you have to ask, ‘Do we have chemistry?’ the answer is probably no. No mental fireworks? No burning curiosity? No warm, buzzy feeling under the skin? Then it’s not going happen. Such is the conventional thinking. Only that’s not always the case.
Ever find yourself entering the stare competition? The eyes meet and what do you do? Look away? (Then look back.) Or hold his gaze, forgetting you might want to smile, to the point it feels challenging? Gay men are intensely visually aware – we know the extent of what happens through the eyes – so it’s easy to hit back preemptively, to push ourselves out there, through the face, such that, perhaps, no-one might see what’s really happening in here. We can feel we’re being judged or reduced to the level of appearance, so we put on our attitudes, immunize ourselves with aggressive-defensive positions. Time to let that go.
Hitting the scene alone can be a testing experience. Some guys just don’t like singles, the assumption presumably being that the single is out there looking for one thing and one thing only, which he possibly is! Cast those doubts aside. Put your faith in the way the sap’s rising. And if you’re out on your own, here are a few ways not to find yourself singing the wallflower blues.
It’s uninspiring when your date shows up in a top you might conceivably bring yourself to wear to do the gardening, his day-old face un-moisturized, hair insufficiently shaped. Having generally made no effort. There goes the evening. Big yawn. Lose his number. Meanwhile there are hours to be got through, unless you’re the especially efficient type.
It happens in the oddest places. In a gay bar, okay, it’s expected, but then there’s the train, the bus, the hospital waiting room – even that mega-straight local pub you go to on time out from gay space. You catch an eye. Wherever. What do you do next?