Take your new relationship to the next level. The sex is fantastic, they’re hot and you’re having a wild time… Well then, it’s about time they realised they’ve fallen head-over-heals in love with you.
Find and develop similarities
Opposites can attract but when it comes to love it’s often more the ways our partner is the same as us that really grip us. It even seems we stand our best chances with people who look like us – perhaps because this means they are most likely to resemble our earliest formative influences regarding love, i.e. our parents.
There isn’t much we can do about our underlying physiognomy, though you can certainly be encouraged if people say you look right as a couple. As you’re falling in love, you might, though, find that you begin to adopt each other’s facial expressions, as if their attitudes, styles and ways of thinking have rubbed off on you. You might also find that, beyond the face, your dress sense and habitual body language move closer together.
The search for similarities and mutual understandings will have been there from the start – when you mirrored your (then possible) partner’s gestures and matched your voice and even your language to theirs. It can be a consciously employed ‘tactic’, though be careful: you might find its effects on you can be as powerful as on the object of your attentions.
Far more than this, though, it is a natural process, as we seek to connect with another person and, consciously or otherwise, use every means at our disposal to do so. This is in much the same way as children learn through imitation or as an actor might feel his way into a part through the study and (re-)production of the physical characteristics of the character.
Keep connecting – and remember that the search for and demonstration of similarities and shared understandings with your lover should be a pleasure, not a calculating chore.
In the eyes
It has been said that we hold eye contact with people we love for up to twice as long – around 75% of the time – as we do with others. While those initial, lingering detours from your hot prospect’s eyes to their mouth were about sensuality, showing them how much you wanted to kiss, you’ve moved on now: this is about love.
If you’d like to plant the thought of love a little deeper in your partner’s – or possible partner’s – mind, you might try following the 75% rule. Hold their gaze for just that much time when you’re talking and, on an unconscious level, they’ll be encouraged to think they’re in love – since it was just like this last time they were in love. The added bonus is that, if someone actually lets you hold their gaze for this long, they’re probably quite open to the possibility of being in love with you.
Similarly, when someone else joins the conversation, you might keep your gaze on your partner and only as if reluctantly let it turn to the other person – then keep looking back. Just as your body will be pointed at your partner and only incidentally at the other person, so your gaze can ‘hold’ your partner and help them understand that your attention and interest are focused upon them.
An adrenaline-fuelled experience can kick-start love. So far as our bodies (brain included) are concerned, there isn’t as much difference as we might think between a ride at a theme park, a freefall parachute descent or, failing that, a scary movie, and the intoxication that comes with the release of our body’s ‘love chemicals’ when we are in love.
What you would be doing is stimulating release, in yourself and your partner, of phenylethylamine (PEA), an amphetamine-related chemical responsible, in the first months of love, for the touchy-feely-tingly, electric excitement that convinces us we actually are in love. And there’s a positive feedback: when we’re convinced we are in love, we’ll start producing more – and will remain under PEA’s influence for around the first eighteen months of a loving relationship.
Treat ‘em mean?
It can be a good idea to take a little time out from a relationship. This might require a certain amount of self-discipline, and even something of a calculating edge, but it can help love to grow. Once you’ve spent every passing moment together, glued to the hip on your occasional forays beyond the bedroom, once your partner has come to take your presence for granted and simply assumes you’ll be there – you might become unavailable.
This might mean not answering the phone all the time. You might have other engagements – friends or the pressure of work. A few days away on your own might well seem a much needed rest cure.
What this can do is give your partner the space to realise how much they want and love you. It’s a chance for them to think about you, to develop their fantasies and their perhaps idealised image of you. And, because they can’t immediately see you, like children begging for Christmas, they’ll want you all the more.
The usual and oft-quoted ‘rule’ is that it’s a bad idea to tell your partner you love them in the first three months of a relationship. Of course, there are those who, once upon a time, broke the rule and who have remained devoted lovers ever since. It’s up to you.
What you can certainly do is to express your delight at being with your partner. Let them know that to you it and they are exciting, that you’re having a blast – and that you think they are sexually fabulous.
Such flattery – for such it is – can actually boost your worth in the eyes of your partner. This is because we can tend to conclude that if someone thinks we’re great they must be a good judge of character – and that they too must be great. After all, we wouldn’t feel so good being praised by someone who wasn’t.
Share your joy in the relationship with your partner and you’ll cement the love that is growing between you.
Let them be good to you
The temptation is often to dote on your new-found lover – buying gifts (every day), picking up every (beyond budget) tab, doing their garden, becoming their all-round household labour-saving device… Of course, you will want to express your affection, but there can be a problem here: give too much too quickly and it might be that your partner starts to feel obliged, as if they owe you one (or many) and the sense of choice about this relationship is being taken away from them.
As the giver, you’ll probably feel good. We all like giving – and we can readily convince ourselves that the person we’re doing all this giving to is very much worth it. In other words, we’ll idealise them more.
What you might try, therefore, is to switch this situation around. Let your partner be good to you and they can experience the joys of giving. They won’t feel pressured – and it might just be they’ll fall in love with you more.
Follow your heart
Such ‘rules’ can help to nurture love is those first wild and giddy weeks of a new relationship. No, you can’t force someone to love you – and if love doesn’t seem to be there you might ultimately have to accept this and move on. What you can do is help along the realisation of love and give those early feelings a bit of a boost. Of course, you can feel quite free to ignore all this and such advice. It’s your relationship. Every relationship is different. Follow your heart.